I struggle with vulnerability, relationships and anything to do with feelings. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak and I hate I allowed myself to stay in a toxic relationship. But I don’t want people to feel sorry for me; I want them to learn from me.

When I was in high school, I met (who I thought was) the perfect guy. He was attractive, athletic, charming and, on the surface, very sweet. But I saw the red flags from the beginning and I chose to ignore them because he was a really cute guy and liked me and I wanted it to work. It started with questions that made me uncomfortable and they continued even after I told him I was not that kind of person. But he would apologize and say something sweet and I would brush it under the rug.

Next came the comments that I was lying, or that he "heard stuff" about me, or he "talked to someone at my school" and he knew things about me... but he never told me what he knew. He would tell me to have fun with my friends and then get mad if I did. He would stop speaking to me and when he finally decided to stop ignoring me two days later we would fight. The only times we weren’t fighting was when we saw each other so I began trying to hang out as much as possible hoping that would fix the problem. But that lead to canceled plans almost every time and rescheduled plans at 10 or 11 p.m. on school nights during which we spent time talking about the arguments and trying to figure out the problem.

What I wish I knew was that I was not the problem. I was not doing anything that would compromise his trust; I was always completely honest with him about how I was feeling, about my past, and my plans for my future. Turns out, he was the one who had been lying to me about all of those things. I tried to break up with him multiple times but he told me I couldn’t, I wasn’t allowed to, he was going to change and I owed him another chance.

I started changing for him because I wanted to believe he would change, but he made it seem like it was my fault that he got upset. My sarcasm made him mad because he couldn’t tell if I was joking, so I stopped joking around. I started watching what I said; reading over every text message before I sent it hoping it wouldn’t offend him. I was always upset, always worrying about texting him back fast enough and not posting pictures with other guys on social media. I missed school because I was so upset that I couldn’t stop crying.

Meanwhile, he flirted with other girls on social media and made rude comments towards me and told me he couldn’t trust me. My friends and family tried to reason with me, but I was so caught up in the nice moments when he said cute things or took me on “dates” that I didn’t see it. But finally after crying all the way to a soccer game, I was done. I was emotionally drained and I was tired of trying to change who I was to make someone, who was never going to love me for me, happy. I told him one more fight and I was done for good.

For a while, it was calm. I thought he was changing, that he really liked me and he had realized that he had been treating me wrong. But one day out of the blue he texted me because he was so mad about my clothing choice. He told me he should have chosen the dress I wore and that every girl he asked agreed with him. At that point I realized I couldn’t let a guy control who I hung out with, if I was sarcastic, what I wore or anything else about me. I realized I was in charge on my own happiness and needed to make the choice to do what was best for me and my emotional health.

So I broke up with him. After trying to call him multiple times and having him ignore my call every time I sent it in a text. I told him I was done so he called me. He told me he was in love with me and I couldn’t do this because I had to give him one more chance. But this time I was stronger. I said no and I stood my ground.

I ended up blocking him from any way of contacting me and haven’t spoken to him in a long time. But even though I’d like to admit I got over it, I still carry it with me. I don’t like relationships because I feel vulnerable and vulnerability makes me feel weak. I don’t like taking the chance of letting someone in to hurt me or try to control me. But I think everyone, whether you’ve gone through a toxic relationship or not, has that fear. It's OK to be selfish with your emotions, to not let the wrong people in because one day we will meet someone who makes us forget that fear and we won’t have to worry about being anything other than ourselves.