At my sorority’s convention a couple weeks back, we had a woman named Leslie Steiner speak to us about domestic violence as a survivor. Although I have never been physically abused, what she said resonated with me. It resonated with me because I was emotionally abused by a past significant other. Something in particular that she said was, “It is much harder to spot emotional abuse rather than physical abuse.” It got me thinking, how can I help other women out there who may not know the signs of an emotional abuser? I didn’t even recognize the signs until after we split.
The whole thing starts out with a romantic gesture. It’s like something out of a romantic comedy. The two of you meet, and you think to yourself, I bet I’ll never see him again. I mean, what are the chances, right? However, he somehow is able to track you down because he just had to find you.
This is not romantic; quite frankly it’s a little creepy if you think about it.
He will buy you things for no reason; he will make you feel special. They are not small gifts, nor are they cheap. These grand gestures are not out of love, but out of a need for your dependence. Do not amount these gifts to how much he loves you. On the occasion you two argue, he will use these as an excuse for you to stop being mad at him. Just because he bought you that really expensive watch you’ve wanted forever doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be angry with him.
This is not love.
Speaking of arguments, when the two of you argue, he will turn it on you. Everything is suddenly your fault, no matter what the argument is about. He will make you feel guilty for being upset with him. Even when he should be the one apologizing, you end up frantically telling him, “This is all my fault. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
This is not love.
Suddenly, what seemed to be loving and protective now feels like possessiveness. He tells you to be home at a certain time because he misses you so much. You might agree to come home but sometimes plans change. You may decide to stay out later, assuming he won’t mind. But when your “curfew” rolls around and you still aren’t home, he gets angry. “You told me you were going to be home at 12:30. Why weren’t you home when I told you to be? What were you doing? Who were you with? Why are they more important than I am?” He makes you feel guilty for being independent and having a life separate from him.
This is not love.
He will tell you who you can, and can’t hang out with. He will tell you he doesn’t trust them, and you will believe him because he probably has your best interests at heart. He will yell at you when you decide to make plans with guys you are friends with. “Why can’t you just hang out with girls,” he will yell. “Why do you have to be friends with those guys anyway? All they want to do is hook up with you.” He will assume that you are just an object to them, not the cool, personable, funny woman that they want to hang out with.
This is not love.
He will isolate you from your friends and your family. He will make you feel utterly alone. “We have something so special that nobody can understand,” he says.
This is not love.
These are the signs I wish I had seen sooner. Maybe if I had, the abuse wouldn’t have left its mark on me. Maybe it would’ve faded away into just a bad memory I could try to forget. I almost lost friends because of him. My relationship with my family had been put in jeopardy. These things were never worth what I thought was love.
To this day, the abuse I took still lingers. I can’t help apologizing for everything, even when it isn’t my fault or it doesn’t matter. I am afraid that everything is really my fault, and that I am constantly doing something wrong. I feel as though anything I do will start a fight. I feel the need to ask my boyfriend for permission to do the things I like. However, I am incredibly lucky to be with someone who understands what I have been through; someone who is slowly helping me fight the urge to say, “I’m sorry.” He has been nothing but supportive and encouraged me to write this piece.
I hope this is of help to someone. I hope that you have the courage to stand your ground and do not take these signs that seem like love. You are not alone, I promise. You can be a survivor.
