At one time or another, everyone experiences the feelings, trials and tribulations of "love," and all that this word entails. In the beginning, this can very easily be the "honeymoon," head-over-heels, obsessively clingy, movie-like romance feeling. For the lucky few, these emotions stand atop a concrete foundation of trust, understanding, health and happiness. For others, however, the fairy tale can soon begin to crumble before their very eyes.

Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off, and you realize that your knight in shining armor actually turned out to be the monster that was hiding under your bed. Weeks, months, maybe even years of unhealthy habits, manipulation, personal attacks and endless conflict were somehow masked and hidden from plain sight.

A toxic relationship can usually be characterized by actions or behaviors of one partner that are either mentally, emotionally or even physically damaging to the other. Of course, this is easier defined than identified, because even something that is clearly toxic from the outside looking in may be blindly "perfect" to the victim. Sometimes, these behaviors aren't as easily identifiable as we would wish. But, no matter how much time you've spent figuring out the severity of your situation, it is always a difficult realization to come to.

Once you begin to notice that something isn't quite right, you tend to rationalize and make excuses for all of the things that have gone wrong. Maybe it was a one time thing. Maybe it was actually your fault, and you were being overly dramatic. Maybe they were just saying and doing these things because they REALLY care about you. And of course, they alwaysapologized after.

But throughout this process, what you were really doing was ignoring red flags. Friends and family may have noticed these things, and may have even brought them to your attention, but what did they really know anyway? It was YOUR relationship, right?

So you continue to ignore the warning signs. You continue to think that things would always get better. You mistakenly believe that all relationships are difficult and that frequent fights are a normal part of love because they show that you're passionate and care about each other.

And along the way, you start to form even more unhealthy habits. You may even become codependent. But unfortunately, that's what happens when someone prevents you from living your life any other way. They convince you that you shouldn't hang out with your friends, and that they probably aren't your real friends anyway. They discourage anything that doesn't benefit them personally, out of possession and jealousy. And you let it happen, because they make you believe all of these things. Suddenly, instead of focusing on your hobbies, responsibilities, friends and family, you devote all of your time to the one person that is tearing you down.

But eventually, you reach an ultimate low point, where you've been lied to and manipulated one too many times. They put you down and attacked your character. They made you feel unworthy, like you didn't deserve better, and even worse, that you would never findanything better.

Ending this relationship can seemingly be an extremely difficult and drawn out situation with many mixed emotions, because after all, you thought you loved this person, so how can you just leave them? Sometimes, the person even makes threats out of desperation, because they cannot imagine losing this control over you.

But when you do end things, with time, you'll realize that it was the best decision of your life. You'll realize that it's OK to put yourself first, that it's OK to be a little selfish despite everything that this person has told you. Now, you're free to live the healthy life that you need. It does not come without some feelings of heartache, but it brings more joy than harm in the long run.

Down the road, you realize that although it was painful, this toxic relationship was a necessary and important lesson. You were hurt, then took action and began to grow from it, and that decision in itself is a very mature one. Now you are able to develop standards and to realize that you need to demand a certain level of treatment simply because YOU DESERVE IT. And you will never accept anything less again.

At the end of the day, the ability to go on living after a debilitating, toxic relationship is an incredible step. You are now living for yourself, without someone who wishes to drag you down and prevent you from making those choices. And after all, nothing feels better than being able to say that you are a happier and healthier you without that person.

In fact, when you find love again, REAL love, it may be difficult to let your guard down at first. But ultimately, the pain you've experienced will make you value and appreciate everything that is wonderful about your new romance. Hopefully, they will encourage, support and love you in ways that you never thought possible. Luckily, you'll also be able to notice red flags much sooner, and you'll have the self-respect to run as fast as you can if you see a serious issue brewing. Your toxic relationship was never an easy one to escape, but you'll now recognize real, healthy, positive love when you find it, and you will never take it for granted again.

Domestic Abuse Hotline (US): (866) 813-2598
Local Vera House Hotline: (315) 425-0818
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)-799-7233 or (800)-787-3224 (TTY)