The title is probably a little confusing, but I think you might find the explanation enlightening and may even make you a little proud of little ole me.

For the past three weeks, I took part in the Wesley Balk Opera Institute that is hosted at Augsburg every summer. I had heard from some friends of mine that it would be intense and exhaustive. At first, I was like, "Ha, that sounds like the definition of my life. If I can handle that, I can handle this."

Oy. Vey.

I would love to give a daily recount of what we all learned and experimented with and rehearsed, but that would take another three weeks...buuuuut a girl's gotta work to pay them bills :P

It was so intense and challenging, but it was also the greatest time I have had in a long time. I learned so much about developing one's craft and skills as a singer-actor, but I also learned so much about myself. I'll be honest, I wanted to quit after the first few days. I was sick, I started to feel depressed and unreliable and like I would be wasting, not just my time, but my teachers' as well. But of course I had my awesome support team consisting of those who love me, who basically said to just give myself a kick in the a** and get to work.

So I did.

Saturday was our last day of 9-6 rehearsals/classes for six days a week. We gathered. We shared. I cried. We embraced.

And I sobbed.

I sobbed because I finally came to terms with something that had been stuck in my mentality for over a year now: I found no joy in music after Max died. I stopped singing in the shower, and when I would, I did it to make others think I was okay, but the truth was that I was crying while my loud music blared. I tried to do some gigs, I was in some ensembles during school. But nothing. I'm not kidding. The only time I thought that my love, my crave to sing was coming back was when I did my recital in April.

I was on that stage and a rush of familiarity filled me. I could feel love again.

But the next day, it was gone.

You wouldn't have noticed...that's how I intended it. And it stayed gone for what seemed like forever.

Three weeks ago, I had a day I thought it would be gone forever. But on Saturday, I sobbed. I sobbed infront of everyone involved with Institute because I felt that love again. It was another one of those "punch in the gut" things. I was forced to sing every day and then it became a need to sing every day. I went back to actually practicing my music and setting goals and watching and listening to the performers I admire. I started to work hard to make connections and form colleague relations.

I fell in love with performing aaaaall over again.

Recipe for a Miss Mary:

-One application for a three week intensive institute

-Two very scary looking scores that you get to rehearse for a week and half, then perform one, then do it again with new scene

-A group of students who are all so incredibly talented, it's scary

-A group of teachers who have so much knowledge, it's intimidating

Take that one application and accept it. Print scores and go through them and memorize them as best you can. Be flexible with how the scenes are being directed and practice practice. Take that group of students and let them see who you are and make them your friends and colleagues. Have fun with them. Go out and do karaoke with them. While doing this, ask teachers questions. Give them responses when they want them. Be flexible with every piece of direction they give you. They will return the flexibility. Don't be afraid to try new things.

And don't be ashamed to know you are good. (But please don't be that person that shoves their talent in everyone else's face, just ick)

I found my music again. I found my voice again. And I know Max would be proud of me, and thankful for all at the Institute.

When you lose someone, you will lose a few bits of yourself. But you are also going to find those pieces! I PROMISE YOU! And I don't make promises I can't keep.

Remember life goes on...in a collection of separate ingredients. It's up to you to decide which of those ingredients you think will make your life recipe as tasty and filling as possible.

Now go find some ice cream and indulge. Ice cream is the most important ingredient in life :)

....and cheesecake...and Nutella...and pizza...and pa..excuse me....nom nom.