Hey, man. Listen. We've all been there. This is a safe place and no one is judging you. Absolutely everyone has been single at some point in their adult(ish) life, except for that one couple you went to high school with who decided, at the tender age of 14, that they wanted to suck only each other's faces.
With that in mind, it's not too late. Marketing for this website suggests that you're in the prime of your life, and if you're not, work that old-age, full-of-regrets angle! That's very in right now! So, let's start by taking a hard look in the mirror (figuratively, you egomaniacs) in the form of this article, and before you know it -- BAM! You're on your way to compromising multiple orifices with whatever humanoid revs your engine (assuming that's something you're going for)!
1. You want it too badly.
I get it. Sometimes, too much time has passed between romantic exploits and words don't order come to your mouth out of the in right. Still, be aware of this and don't hype yourself up too much.
2. You need to go outside of your private residence to meet a potential romantic lead in the made-for-TV movie of your life.
This one came as a revelation to me. It turns out, the only people who regularly come and go in my apartment are my roommates, who only return after socializing with other people outside of our home, some of whom they will eventually go on to date. So take a page out of their book and get out of the house, lest you end up reading some super sexual Harry Potter fan fiction at 3 AM sitting home alone.
3. You're saying something weird with your Tinder profile.
We're all trying to be witty and fun, but the people you interact with on Tinder don't know you yet, so maybe save the fake kidnapping jokes for after they've decided that they aren't worried about you cutting off their face and wearing it to your birthday party.
4. You're not being nice to yourself.
Compliment yourself in the mirror. Or at least, don't actively campaign against yourself. If you hit on someone in a way that's too self-deprecating, they start to think that all of your interactions are just going to be them trying to make you feel better about yourself, and that's not their job.
5. Maybe you're getting too into that TV show, video game or book series.
If the only thing you talk about to new people is a certain media whatever, and they haven't seen that thing, it may be time to take a step back. I went through a phase where I just wanted to talk about "Jessica Jones," and it turns out that not every living human has seen all of the episodes of that show, which left me with absolutely nothing to say on more than one occasion.
6. You're probably listening to Adele or Sara Bareilles too much.
You start to project heartbreak that you haven't even experienced into your real life, which makes for a wonderfully boring life filled with a lot of angsty Tumblr posts and song lyrics posted as Facebook statuses, which is something only middle schoolers are allowed to do. Lock that down.
7. Are you actually speaking words out loud to the homo sapiens of your choosing?
This sounds obvious, but you need to actually talk to a human that you like in order to make any forward progress. I recently found out that a guy I liked just started a relationship, and I felt so betrayed. And then I remembered that I had probably spoken less than two paragraphs' worth of sentences to him in my entire life. Remember: staring at someone doesn't count as making a move unless they catch you and think it's charming and not creepy, and you don't want to play those odds.
8. Bathing. It's not just a lifestyle choice.
9. You accidentally did that thing where you say "How are you?" and your crush says "Good, how are you?"
And then you say, "Good, how are you?" again. And then the rest of your interactions just went downhill from there.
I've never done this I'm super good at dating. Haha
