"You don't get over an ex with one guy, you get over an ex with multiple." My best friend said that to me the day I broke up with my ex, while I was panicking about where to go from here. And, I honestly really wanted to follow her advice. I wanted to go to clubs and hook up with as many people as possible. I wanted to experiment and experience. However, the second anything turned physically sexual or romantic, I was flooded with fear and flashbacks. I knew I needed time to figure myself out, so I swore off a year of any romantic or physical relations.
That year is coming to an end. I have less than five months left and I still have no idea what I want. There is someone in my life who I love deeply. Who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Who loves me unconditionally. Who accepts me for everything I am. Who finds me adorable and powerful. Who wants to be invested in everything I love.
They terrify me.
I know that I'm scared of commitment. I'm scared of rushing into any sort of relationship. Then there's someone else in my life who excites me sexually but not romantically and I'm terrified of them, for they are a great friend and I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to cross a line I could never come back from. I'm so torn between loving someone endlessly and whoring myself out until I figure out who I am.
Part of my problem is I've never known a fully consensual, healthy relationship. I've had two sexual and emotional partners in my life, both happened when I was between 14-16 with older, adult men. None of my relationships have been legal. Now, to be clear, I don't hate or blame the guy I dated after my abuser left me the first time. He didn't pressure me and I consented to him but he was 18 and I was 15. It wasn't legal. And yet, no one batted an eye at our relationship. I didn't love him, he was my way of getting over the man who raped me until of course that man came back into my life and stayed for 4 freaking years.
The person I love loves me so much and tells me every day. It breaks my heart. They are so perfect to me. They are so warm and bright and full of love, where I am dark, broken, and abused. I can't give them what they deserve. They deserve someone who will love them entirely, without restrictions and I fear I couldn't ever do that. I know one day I will hurt them because that is what I do. I hurt the people Iove.
I am too indecisive and it cost me greatly in terms of the people I care for. I have no idea what I want and I know they'd wait for me to figure it out. Which only breaks my heart more. I don't deserve to be waited for. They deserve to move on and live their life, not wait for me to pick up the pieces of who he shattered. And, what if they wait and I come to a decision they don't like. More than likely, they'd just smile and be happy for me.
How could someone like that ever love someone like me? Every time they tell me how precious and important I am, I fill with happiness and then break a little more. Because I don't know how to be complimented and I don't know how to express how I feel. I'm not used to being loved so deeply and I don't think I ever will.
They fell for me hard and fast while I am falling for them slow and completely. Every day, I become a little closer to them. I miss them a little more each time they're gone. I find myself rushing to see them and then putting on emotional distance when we are together. It's because I'm so unsure. A part of me wants to love them entirely and another part of me wants to flee. I'm so scared of falling in love with you and yet, I don't want to stop. How is that possible?
I don't know what I want in life, but there's one thing I know for sure, I don't deserve you.