It's the end of my first two weeks and it's a lot for me to process. Last week, the first week, I talked about my mom and my sister and my home a lot, but I felt fine. Almost content being here, away from my family...my home. But on Friday night, when face-timing my mom and sister like I did every night, I rushed them off the phone saying goodnight because I felt my chest tighten and my eyes burn.
It was similar to the feeling I had when I first got my heart broken, not even kidding. I felt empty and lost and like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I wanted to be in our little home eating five dollar Crazy Mikes pizza from Walmart. Then came Saturday, oh goodness Saturday. My neighbor, dorm neighbor, and her mom took me to Walmart and Dollar Tree with them. They went to get their own items while I got mine while face-timing my mom, shocker. It was weird not being with her and having to compare prices. Despite having a detailed list in my hand I forgot three things and still asked her what to get.
Then our song came on "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Lauryn Hill; no relation but I wish I had recorded a video of my self lip singing it and sent it to my mom. After that I got to my dorm and cleaned my room all while silently crying to myself. I missed home so much, not New Jersey though. I was glad to be away from my beat up town, my old high school, fake friends, and low-key racism.
I missed my sisters' obnoxious groan when she wakes up, my mom yelling from the kitchen to wake up because the day was half gone. I miss hearing my grandpa yell;
"No one go in the bathroom for 25-35 minutes I blew it up"
or my Nana talking about how she always knew where my grandpa hid the money and still after almost 45 years of marriage, he didn't know that she knew. I miss seeing my best friend and her calling me, and forcing me to put on a bra so that we could run to Walmart at 11:40 at night.
That is my home. I thought while I wrote this article it would help me feel a bit better but, I am still crying as I type. I know eventually it will all get easier. It was a little bit easier this week but I'm still homesick and want to be with them so much.
My aunt told me that when you're away you have old memories come back whether you want them to or not because it's part of an evolutionary process. I think that's what makes it hard too. Old memories are flooding back that I thought I dealt with that I'm just now dealing with properly.
The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I know if I wasn't meant to be here, then I simply wouldn't be.
And even though I know I have the strength to get through this, this necessary pain.
Because pain is mandatory for growth.
