For as long as I can remember I have been pasty white. If by chance I get some sort of tan you cannot even tell because that is how pale I am. For me, this was quite the mountain I had to climb when it came to my self-esteem. People will find anything they can to tell you is wrong with you and for a long time, this was my most apparent imperfection.
On the beach, I hid under an umbrella and drank sunscreen while my mom and sister got beautifully tanned. I always picked the lightest shade of makeup because it always would match. I shopped for clothes that would somehow compliment pale so I would not get shamed for not being tan or at least normal.
Throughout grade school, people always called me "Casper" or said I resembled paper but I more or less brushed it off. I pride myself on confidence and tried to laugh with them. The worst was when I got my first "everyday" foundation that I wore to middle school which unfortunately turned me completely orange.
The jokes got worse because of course what is worse than being pale is trying to cover it up. I could not even get a spray tan or go tot he tanning bed without being tormented and ridiculed because everyone knew it was not my natural, pasty skin tone.
The only thing that mattered to me during that whole time was my dance lessons and performances where it is very common for a ballerina to be very pale. So school was the only place it ever really got to me.
It got worse when adults or family friends would joke about my complexion. My boss at my first real job when I was 15 joked about how white I was and it completely enraged me. How dare he? He's an adult, aren't kids supposed to be the ones bullying me?
I guess what was so obvious for someone to pick on me for was just easy for people to "joke" about. But for me, it wasn't a joke anymore. Would you make the same jokes to someone who has a birthmark over their face? Or, instead of being too pale, was too dark? This is something I cannot help and neither can people with these other struggles so why would anyone think it's ok to judge me over?
I tried to just roll my eyes and act like it did not bother me every time I came across someone who thought this was the first time I'd heard someone tease me or someone who actually thought they were original or funny.
But one particular year in high school, enough was enough.
I was entered in a pageant to win a title my junior year of high school. Something not unusual for me in those years. The dress I decided to wear for evening gown was my best friend's former prom dress and so incredibly beautiful. But what I did not think about and others did, the dress was white. I made the mistake of showing a few people a picture and word quickly spread to other contestants and girls that I'd be wearing a white dress.
"She'll never win, pale girls can't wear white."
"She's going to look so horrible in a white dress."
Just a few things that got back around to me along with the laughter they all shared together just thinking about how mortified I surely was going to be. I cried to my mom and thought how could people talk about others like this? Do they want to see me fail? Is it funny to them that I'm going to look awful in white?
Well, I did what I thought was best that I do. Get a spray tan and rock the hell out of that dress. The rest is history and I still have my crown for "Miss Junior 2014."
Since that night I started looking at my situation in a different way. I am not defined by how pale I am. I have succeeded in so many things in my life and will continue to do so, regardless of my skin pigmentation. I would rather be judged by my intelligence, my work ethic, my determination and my inner beauty than by any physical appearance that I can or can't help. This is true for every woman and man on this earth. Stop looking for ways to tear others down to feel better. Start surrounding yourself with people who love you and admire you for what is inside and not outside. LOVE yourself whether you're too pale, too skinny, too tall, too whatever — you are beautiful. OWN IT.
