We have all had a few days to process the insane spectacle we call the MTV Video Music Awards. I don't know why I am acting surprised at the fact it felt like my eyes were bleeding while watching the Pre-Show Red Carpet special.
Some of the CRAZIEST outfits in history were debuted at the VMA's including Lil' Kim's purple nipple pasties, Lady Gaga's meat dress, and Katy Perry honoring the great Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake's full denim ensemble. Needless to say, artists, designers, and stylists took the VMA's as their blank canvas to express their creativity.
This year, artists, designers, and stylists must have been on vacation. They must have let the celebrities dress themselves. I sat on my couch and watched the Red Carpet with a paper bag next to me just in case I needed to throw up. So, I took notes and compiled a list of what went wrong on the Red Carpet.
THE CROTCH DRESSES
Britney Spears
First of all, congrats to Britney on celebrating your 80th birthday this year! Doesn't she look great for her age? These two dresses look like some hormonal teenaged boy was told to design his "dream" dress. Also, these are basically the same dress, except Nicki is clearly better friends with Midas. I wish the Nicki/Miley onstage showdown would have gone like this:
NICKI: Miley, what's good????
MILEY: Not your see-through dress, boo!
THE KATE GOSSELIN WANNABE
Justin Bieber
Wait, is this really where Justin is going with his hair? I just forgave him for the egg incident, laughed a little, but felt some sympathy from his roast, and made his Calvin Klein add my home screen. Now, I have to embrace this new dude/chick look? Is this actually Ruby Rose? Ellen DeGeneres? Is this one of Miley's CRAZY outfits for the night? SOMEONE HELP ME!
THE "MY STYLIST RECOMMENDED HEAD TO TOE IN AWFUL"
Blac Chyna and Amber Rose
Nick Jonas
I'm just confused here. First of all, I really want to know where Nick Jonas found this pure chocolate-colored leather jacket, shoes, AND pants that have knee pads. Also, why the grey ribbed v-neck underneath? I'm honestly not even sure if the shoes are the same color as the rest of the leather, I think it could just be an optical illusion.
Next, my HONEST questions are what do Blac Chyna and Amber Rose do for a living. I mean, are they socialites, rappers, am I on the right path? They could be Subway franchise owners for all I know. So, regardless what they do, WHY are they wearing these offensive outfits? I know they are probably trying to "make a point to the haters", but I don't want to see these insulting words painted across their bodies.
THE CAST OF SHREK
Kris Jenner as Puss in Boots
Kourtney Kardashian as The Dragon
Kylie Jenner as Lord Farquaad
Kanye West as The Donkey
Kim Kardashian-West as The Gingerbread Man
TELL ME I'M WRONG!
THE ONES WHO CLEARLY WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE
Vanessa Hudgens
I think that Vanessa Hudgens got lost on her way to the Academy Awards when she was relevant. Did she just do something important? If so, why is she in a gown? She is way overdressed. I mean, I get it, awards show and gowns go together. But she could have gotten more creative. Word on the street was that she wore over 20 pieces of jewelry. But WHERE ARE THEY and WHY DO I CARE? And Cara, you used to be a HIGH FASHION MODEL and this is the best you could do? Look at her face, she clearly just wants to be ANYWHERE ELSE. So much for supporting your BFF T-Swift with a smile on your face.
THE ONES WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A COSTUME PARTY
Rita Ora
"SOMEONE GET THAT OSTRICH OFF THE RED CARPET", I though as Rita Ora appeared. While the dress isn't really THAT bad, her eye make up is entirely too dark and her hair is entirely too light. She legitimately looks like an ostrich. But the real costume of the night wasn't Miley, it was Pharell and his wife who dressed up as a farmer and a scarecrow! What a cute couples costume. I'll have to put this one in my book of costumes for Halloween!
*Side note: does it bother anyone else that Helen's boot has two different colored laces? Like, why cant they match. I'm going to cry. SOMEONE FIX THAT NOW.
And finally.........
THE ONES WHO SLAYED
Chrissy Teigen
Rebecca Black
What kind of world do we live in when Rebecca Black is on my best dressed list. There are three people on this list. THREE. Out of all of the celebrities who were in attendance, THREE made the cut. Chrissy wowed because she is just perfect. I think she could wear a potato sack and I would buy one.
Taylor Swift OBVIOUSLY loves the tide. She sees past the stigma University of Alabama's girls put on houndstooth. I'M OBVIOUSLY WEARING THIS OUTFIT. And sweet Rebecca Black, I am so proud of where you have come from. Your voice may sound like my dog after I had him neutered, but your look was simple, well fitting, and showed your personality. You weren't the biggest star there and you knew how to make a subtle statement. BRAVO BECKY.
At the end of the day, we have nowhere to go but up. This was rock bottom for VMA fashion. Disappointing, bland, and flat out dumb don't even begin to describe the outfits worn. So, I'll leave you with a GIF of my emotions at the end of the night:
Until next year!
