I'm a control freak. There, I said it. I'm not afraid to admit it. I have been for years and I will probably always these tendencies. In the past, it has often pushed people away or made them feel incapable. I've learned over the last eight years of being saved that I don't actually have to know everything. And actually, it's a good thing that I don't know everything nor am in control of everything. Because, knowing me, I'd actually simply make a huge mess of things. This is mostly due to the fact that I am human and therefore fallible.

This doesn't make it any easier, though, when things I think I understand begin to spiral out of control. When plans change last minute or things come to light that I didn't previously know about or even know existed, it can be difficult to keep it all together.

I pride myself, perhaps wrongfully, on keeping it together when things do go south. But, honestly, on the inside, I am screaming. So many parts of me are wanting to throw, break, or set fire to things in hopes of relief. But it isn't possible, or even legal, most of the time.

Sometimes a solution is easier to come to amid all the confusion or chaos. But other times, especially in particular areas, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make sense of what is happening, what I'm feeling, or even what I should do.

This is where faith should come in. I have to accept that there are things beyond my understanding and control. But the amazing thing is that God is sovereign. He is in control. He is all powerful. And He is all Good, all the time.

This means that whatever is or isn't happening is part of His plan and purpose. And because I am His child, His beloved, everything will work out. There's no guarantee it will be easy or pleasant but, for some unknown reason, I have to go through it. I have to trust Him because He has never led me astray before. Why would that change now?

He is always teaching and growing me and this is just the next step in that. My confusion doesn't mean I am weak or even lost. I just don't understand yet and maybe I never fully will. But the things I do know about who I am and who I follow, that's really all I need to understand, isn't it?

So yeah, confusion sucks. Especially for those of us who are control freaks who have a thirst to know and understand all. But is it more important for us to know or to submit to a greater authority than ours?

He knows all. And He chooses to love me and lead me to good and growth. So I will trust Him, even when it's hard. Especially then.