I suppose this is known by most people now, seeing as it is so often stated: to change your thinking, you have to make conscious choices. This is something I’ve only recently begun putting into practice.

And it’s nowhere near as simple as it seems.

But I know I’m not the only one who struggles with unwanted, unhelpful thoughts. So I thought I’d share a couple of the ways I’m struggling with my thinking, and how I hope to combat them (over a long period of time, of course). I’m going to sound like a self-help guru for a bit, but I’m simply trying to explain to myself, and to you the reader, this helpful process—it really is helpful—in the hopes that this article will encourage someone out there. Positive thinking is possible; it is a choice. As simple as yes or no. It’s not out of your control.

Thanks goes to my therapist, who has explained a lot of this process to me and continues to help me with it.

Whenever I make a mistake, I tend to berate myself. I’ve worked on combating this these past few months, and I’ve gotten somewhat better at stopping it. However, I still catch myself muttering—things like, “Wow, nice going, dummy,” or “You really think that was a good way to do it?” or, “Gee, look what you just did.” I’m very sarcastic with myself, but not in a helpful way. In an angry way.

I have a very hard time believing I have good qualities—that I’m actually not a terrible, undeserving person. Part of this stems, of course, from my Christian belief that everyone is a sinner. Yes, I am a sinner. But that does not mean I am awful and deserve to be hated. God loves me; God gave Himself up for me when I was still a sinner. He thinks I’m pretty cool, I guess.

I have to learn to live like that—valuing myself. How do I do that? By consciously combating those negative thoughts and replacing them with what I know is true.

So when those negative thoughts about myself come, I need to say something like this instead:

“Okay, stop. Stop. Who are you? You are a human being. Human beings mess up. We’re not perfect. We’re sinful. But who are you? You are God’s child. You are loved by God. You are loved. He has forgiven you and made you righteous. You are a unique human being. You have positive qualities.” Then I need to list those qualities: merciful, caring, empathetic, etc. Whatever applies to me.

As a result of having a hard time believing I am a likeable person, I have a hard time believing anybody really likes me for me. This all goes back to what I was just talking about—not believing in myself (as cliché as that sounds). As I’ve thought more deeply and seriously about friendships, I’ve found myself wondering, “Does [this person] really like me for me? Are they just hanging out with me because they have no one else, or feel bad for me, or because I initiate contact? Am I really that likeable? Do I annoy them?” And on and on it goes. A never-ending cycle.

I previously wished there was some nice way to unconsciously get my brain to focus on positive things—but this is not the case. I stop the negative talk only by consciously choosing to end the cycle. Again, I have to say (something like),

“Stop. Stop right now. Hold on. You have good qualities. Do you have qualities that would make you a good friend? I think so.” And I need to list these qualities, these things I see in myself, even if I’m unsure they are really real: “loyal, committed, patient” etc. etc.

Of course, the core of all this is the hardest to achieve: believing that I actually have good traits. I don’t entirely believe this about myself, and when you don’t entirely believe that, you cannot entirely believe those positive messages you are speaking to yourself.

But I think a large amount of progress can be made by simply repeating those words—forming new pathways in the brain: “You aren’t despicable. You have good qualities. You are a good friend. You are a caring person. You are unique.” Etc., etc. By consciously saying those things—even if I don’t fully believe them—I hopefully, over time, will start to re-program my brain, and perhaps believe those things more.

It’s no easy process, but I’m reassured knowing that I can play an active part in it by consciously stopping my negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. These are tangible steps; they’re not abstract. I can remember, as time goes on, those times I chose to think positively, and those memories will help strengthen me in my choice in the present.

It’s less about where you are, then where you are headed. At any moment, I can choose to love myself, and head in the right direction.

I hope you choose that, too.