The past month or so has been hard to say the least. I've gone through some incredibly trying times with losing people in my life, the hardest being the loss of myself. The people who are close to me know that it takes a lot for me to truly open up to a man and let them in and to get into a real relationship. In the past, I've been hurt many times and the sting of the lies and betrayal isn't something I easily forget. But a couple months ago, I opened myself up to the possibility of new beginnings and to the possibility of love; deciding that I couldn't close myself off to any and all opportunities that come my way. Once again though, I was left feeling more isolated and broken than I'd care to admit.
Do I regret the relationship? Not for a second. Because in a short time, he showed me exactly what I needed to see about myself and what I don't want in a man. Not to say he was an all around bad person, but he made me realize that being with him at the point he was in his life versus where I am in my life was me settling. And honestly, I was so willing to do that for the chance to feel loved. Now that I have a chance to step back, out of the chaos he brought into my life, I can see that I didn't deserve the treatment I received. I deserve so much better. He admittedly used me and treated me as a dispensable person in his life, and I let him. But that isn't the point. The real point is that I was so caught up with being with someone that I was blinded by who that someone was.
Today, when I look around me I realize that a healthy relationship is what I want. I don't want to be your bank account or your taxi service. I want a mutual partner in life who has goals and aspirations as high-reaching as my own and who will not settle for less than the best. I'm thankful for the lessons of what I don't want, because it has taught me so much about what the right man will look like when he comes along.
For now though, I'm fine with being alone.
The reality of life is, being with the wrong person is often times more painful than being "alone." I don't need anyone to complete me. I am whole all on my own. And I am not really alone because I have family and friends who love me ever so deeply, and that love is priceless.
So until the right person comes along, I'm going to focus on being the right person for me.
I am enough.
