Did you know that in every friend group that I'm a part of (which is several because I'm a social butterfly) at least one person has experienced some kind of sexual misconduct?
Did you know that?
Out of all my friend groups, at least one (usually more than one) person has experienced some kind of sexual misconduct.
Literally.
Every. Single. Friend Group.
Do you know how many people that is? That's at least 20 people or more. That I know of alone.
How many times have I heard the same story? How many times have I heard a friend of mine say, "It's fine. It's just something I have to deal with/something I have to live with"? Too many times.
Think about it this way. If everyone had 20ish friends that had experienced some kind of sexual misconduct, how many people would that be?
How many sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, friends, and family members have been affected? How many people do you know have been mistreated? It's crazy when you think about all the people you know that have experienced these things.
Now when I say "these things", what do I mean?
I mean unsolicited nudes, catcalling, sexual assaults, and everything in-between.
When it comes to unsolicited nudes and catcalling, almost all of my friends have experienced this. I had a friend tell me just last week that she was talking to a male co-worker about her guitar at like 3:00 in the afternoon and he sent her a picture of his penis. Just out of the blue. Sent her a picture. Of his penis.
WHY? LIKE WHY?
NO ONE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? IT ACTUALLY MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.
It would be one thing if this friend had asked for said picture (which I don't recommend, but you do you), but she was literally talking to him about her guitar. Literally talking about a musical instrument. Like not even on the topic of genitals at all.
It's disgusting. And we let people get away with it.
We let people catcall to other people in disrespectful ways. We let people RAPE OTHER PEOPLE AND GET AWAY WITH IT. We let these things happen. We let these things happen, and we blame the victims.
When the victim is a woman, we blame the clothes on her back and the drink in her hand. When it's a man, we don't take him seriously and we call him lucky.
This is disgusting, people. I am thoroughly disgusted.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm sick and tired of the fact that no one can turn a corner without knowing someone who has been mistreated sexually by another person. It's like cancer. Everyone knows someone who has it. But unlike cancer, this epidemic can be cured.
It's quite simple, actually. If we would start holding the assailants responsible for their crimes and stop victim blaming, we could really do the world some good.
Dylan Marron said it best in his YouTube video about rape culture, "Every time this long arm of the watch ticks, which it looks like it's about 60 times a minute, that's every moment that a rape victim has to live with their trauma."
Every second of every minute of every day a victim feels their trauma. Every day. But people like Brock Turner's father want to call it "just 20 minutes of action". There are no words. No words. Well, I have some words.
"What is consent to sexual activity?
Consent refers to words or actions that clearly show an active, knowing and voluntary agreement to engage in a particular sexual activity. Consent is determined objectively. This means that an individual is deemed to have given consent when a reasonable person, under the particular circumstances of the encounter, would understand the individual’s words and/or actions as indicating the required agreement.
Consent may be withdrawn at any time by words and/or actions that clearly show the individual no longer wishes to participate. Silence and/or the absence of resistance by themselves are not consent. Consent to engage in sexual activity in the past by itself is not consent to future sexual activity. Consent to engage in sexual activity with one person is not consent to engage in sexual activity with another person.
Other factors that may preclude consent are:
Force or coercion. There is no consent when a person submits to sexual activity due to physical force, the threat of physical force, or coercion. Coercion refers to threatening an adverse consequence that would prevent a reasonable person from exercising free will in the decision whether to consent. Coercion is not merely words of persuasion one might reasonably use to seek voluntary consent.
Incapacity or impairment. There is no consent if a person is mentally or physically incapacitated or impaired such that they cannot understand the fact, nature, or extent of the sexual situation. This includes impairment or incapacitation due to alcohol or drug consumption if it prevents the person from having such an understanding, as well as being asleep or unconscious. It also includes instances in which a person lacks the required understanding due to medical conditions, or cognitive or other disabilities.
Age. There is no consent for purposes of university policy where a person is too young to give effective consent under applicable law. Under Mississippi law, persons under fourteen cannot give effective consent to sexual activity with any person who is more than twenty-four months older. Persons between fourteen and sixteen cannot give consent to anyone who is more than thirty-six months older."
I hope that one day we'll live in a world where it's less common than it is now for someone to experience sexual misconduct of any kind. It seems like everyday I hear about another rape or another abuse etc. etc. etc.
I hope whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing that you're safe, and that things like this don't happen to you, and that if they do you have someone there for you.
Love,
Shan