This week while I wanted to write about something meaningful in my agenda, I just need to rant for a second about my personal experience with school. I honestly do not even know when to begin as there can be many factors that affect these experiences; with that, I want to say that I love school, I have a really big passion in broadening my mind, and developing my brain into something powerful. And school doesn't come easy to me, I have more sleepless nights accumulated than an average 18 year old should, I take time out of my day to go see teachers for help, I have always gone above and beyond in order to demonstrate my passion about my own education.

Overall I do not want to come off as a martyr, as I know that there are people in the world who risk their lives just to get an education, and maybe I have not taken it to that point; but sometimes I get really frustrated by the stigmas that are pinned against me just because I am myself, it is unfair and it makes me wonder whether I should really be trying my very hardest when I am not going to be taken seriously.

From the beginning I noticed it in elementary school, when teachers expected me to be a "trouble student" because of the color or my skin, they expected my work to be at a lower quality than the rest of the students; teachers would be shocked that I was a good student, while at the same time put me in the same category as the kids who didn't take school seriously and up until middle school, I knew it was because I was Latina, like a dog whistle, I couldn't say it out loud or point it out--but I could feel it and it affected me. These hidden judgements took a toll on me, but I decided that I wanted to represent people of my color and race in a much positive way, that people of color are just as smart and dedicated as everyone else.

In high school I started wearing makeup and started developing my personality into who I was, I am really girly and bubbly and speaking for myself I wear a fair amount of makeup that hides all the ugly. Here I found a new stigma; girls that are like this, and pretty cannot be smart. Teachers expected me to not care, they again were shocked when I would go above and beyond and I would always get the usual "you don't look like a smart girl". I do not know when this became a thing, but I personally do not think I should be treated any different than another girl that doesn't wear makeup. When I get ready in the mornings and put on makeup it relaxes me, as I feel like I can be creative for just a little while and take care of myself; even writing this makes me feel silly as I shouldn't need to explain myself. Why can't I be like this and smart? Why can't I be taken seriously even when all my effort and work is in front of teachers and other students faces? There is no better movie that explains how I feel than Legally Blonde and Reese Witherspoon depicted exactly how I felt about this situation.

So here is how I have to prove myself on a day to day basis..

1. When people are shocked that I earn good grades. Or...when I offer people help with they do not think that I know what I am doing.

2. I always seem to come across a guy who decides to mansplain to me something that I am not totally sure about, guys seem to have this complex where a girl can't be smarter than them, and they place themselves above me like it doesn't affect me.

3. It gets to the point where you are questioning your opinions and your work, and you just want to give up... So many breakdowns because of what people think I am, even when I try my hardest to prove them wrong.

4. The worst part is that people that people think you are self centered and mean, they avoid you because they don't wear makeup of dress like you. Not knowing that you do not have those same judgements towards them because they choose to not do these things. I am always nice to anyone that tries to talk to me, never placing myself on top of anyone, so why do people do this to me?

5. Should girls who are trying to be philosophers, scholars, engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc.. like makeup? Should they not care about the way their hair looks. I have only ever done it to please myself, is that wrong? Should I not like science and math then?

6. I don't want to give up, and I want to keep crossing the line of above average or above and beyond. I hate that I have to prove myself, and maybe there have been other people that have felt this way...

7. I am 18 and I have never been to crazy party, or done illegal substances, I stay at home on Fridays and do homework. I study ahead and I am glad of my test scores, I will go nights without sleeping if that is what it takes, and it truly makes me sad that people think I am incapable of all these things for just being too "pretty" to be smart. To me my makeup or my clothes or the way I look do not define me, and it is sad that to others it does..

8. I just hope one day I finally prove myself, and I get seen as smart first and as a thinker, I try to be. Maybe I shouldn't care, and brush off all the judgements, but they do take a toll, and I only wish people would look beyond what they see. I can care about how I look because I know that I take twice the amount of time reading and studying.