I'm not who I was raised to be. When I was small and wrinkly and recently birthed, my parents probably had a clear vision of who they imagined I'd become. Sure, like most parents, they probably insisted, "We don't care what happens, as long as she's healthy," but we all know that's not entirely true. Some part of you hopes that after 18 years you can look at your child and know that your hard work paid off. My parents, step-parents, and extended family have probably pictured the person I would grow up to be...and I did not become that person. I can imagine that that could make a parent feel like they failed their child, but quite the opposite is true.

The concept of your child questioning and exploring their religious, moral, political, etc. views isn't a tragedy, it's a tribute to your parenting. You didn't raise a follower. You didn't raise someone who votes for a candidate because that's who their parents are voting for and goes to church because their mom said so. You raised someone with the capacity to search for their own truth and find it on their own timeline. It can be painful as a parent because that's not the child that you thought you were raising but in fact, they are so much more.

Encouraging exploration in your children creates a safe space in which they feel comfortable learning, growing, and even sharing their questions with you and making others a part of their journey. On the flip side, trying to control children's thoughts and actions beyond what is appropriate can create a contingent child that relies on others for their own sense of self. As a parent, the most important goal is not to raise of copy of yourself. It is to raise an independent, responsible, happy human being, no matter what form that may take in their own life. In fact, children who are raised in a household that specifically expects them to adhere to certain beliefs have been found more likely to later abandon those beliefs entirely as they enter adulthood. Parents also run the risk of alienating their children into either suppressing their own opinions out of fear of destroying the relationship or willingly destroying the relationship out of resentment.

I did not become a lawyer or an athlete or a republican. I didn't fall in love with the high school quarterback or go to a huge state school or anything else that my parents may have thought that they wanted for me once upon a time. But they have succeeded beyond what they realize because they raised someone with a strong sense of self and a determination to search for my own personal truth.