I've been dealing with several existential crises in the past couple of weeks, in concerns to my life. Maybe there's so much going at the moment, that I'm unsure of the direction that I'm in and I've been conflicted. Conflicted, how so? Well, let me explain in the best way I possibly can without babbling for too long.
I think college is finally getting to me, what do I mean, exactly? School has always stressed me out, but I've been exceptionally stressed about it. The thought of having just over a year left until I'm finally done with school is frightening. The idea of being a "real" adult, finding a job that relates to my major, and moving on makes me wonder if I can really do it all.
Attending college has been an absolute rollercoaster ride, the greatest highs and the lowest of lows have existed in the past three years, but I'm definitely grateful. My biggest fear is failing and failing hard. All the sudden, I need to start thinking about what's beneficial for my future, if a particular opportunity will benefit my life in any way.
Obviously, I'm living in the present but all I can constantly think about is the future and what it'll be like. The issue is that I've stopped living in the present and I consume myself in day-dreaming of a life I could have in a year, two years, or ten. Where will I be living? Does my soulmate exist? Have I met him yet? What will I be doing in five years? I'm so consumed in the "what" and "ifs", that I completely forget about "now"
Completely absorbed by my thoughts, I disregard the fact that I'm alive and living, which is the perfect time to experience amazing opportunities. This leads on to the next thing, am I doing enough at the moment? I have this lingering feeling of dissatisfaction that exists, that I'm not doing enough for someone of my age. At times, I scroll on Instagram and see individuals that I attended high school with and knew in the past living their best lives.
Traveling across Europe, getting into beautiful relationships, and even having children. Even though I'm not quite ready for children, it's amazing to see how people have evolved. Honestly, I don't think I've changed or done enough with my life. I have no cool stories of traveling across Italy with my friends or wild nights at a music festival. Every day feels the same, no excitement or change. Some days I feel like I'll be stuck in the same place for the rest of my life and never get out, which leads to the considerable crisis or multiple that I've been dealing with lately.
All of what I've just explained leads me to think that I might be depressed, which I shouldn't be self-diagnosing myself in a sort of way. Google can be an enemy and companion, at times, but I've been stuck in this rut for about a month. Maybe I'm just being a dramatic 20 year- old, but I'm unsure if I'm sad, depressed, or unsatisfied with life. Or maybe, I'm all three, most likely, there are millions of individuals in the same position that feel this way.
In the end, I'll be okay, hopefully.