Like many inhabitants of this crazy world that we live in, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I truly am, what I am made of, and what kind of meaning I want to make out of life. Nevertheless, the process is not as easy as it sounds. I began to become aware of the elements that I use to answer those big questions and I’ve established a few conclusions and reflections.
What came to my mind first was the realization that my twenty years of age are not enough to have those big questions answered. I became aware of the societal pressure that requires one to speed up their process of growing up. My parents are responsible of that aspect of my life. Since the day I have found my way out of my mother’s womb, I was assigned a gender, given a name, presumed to behave accordingly, and expected to live my life in a certain way. I never had a say in any of these things. In addition, I was never free to reject any of these aspects or challenge them. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I didn’t conform, I’d ultimately be shunned and live a miserable reality, which is something that no one would desire. Thus leaving me wonder what kind of growth and live meaning I am expected to have established in twenty years.
Another vital reflection I’ve become recently aware of is the emphasis and focus we tend to make on single aspect of our identities. That’s a result of our failure to view ourselves as a web of different elements. I have been a victim of that for quite sometime. As I was expected to work on figuring out the different elements of my identity, I began to focus solely on one identity at a time. Unconscious of my intention to do so, some of my identities began to relinquish. I reached the point of realization that it’s necessary to view me as a whole, rather than bits and pieces. However, it seems inherent to us that we reduce our identities to a single one by mainly focusing on it and we also tend to view people according to their most dominant and apparent identity; a brown person for their browness, a gay person for their gayness, a Muslim for their religion, or a woman for being a woman. However, it’s bigger than that. Or at least for me.
I’ve been noticing that aspect of people’s lives and I’ve noticed that I notice frequent things. I notice only the non-dominants in the space that I’m in, and I assume that others notice that as well. I notice a woman in a crowd of men, I notice a brown person in a crowd of whites, I notice a gay person in a heteronormative setting, and I notice a Muslim in a church. But then I wonder about the assumptive fracture of my thinking process, and the connotations I make subsequently to those assumptions. When it comes to me and my presentation, I hate when people make assumption about how I am based on the way I look, walk, and talk. But if I hate, how come do I do it? I began to challenge myself and I found communication to be sturdy in that case; as long as it’s appropriate. I approach people with an open mind and I inquire some information if they became necessary; otherwise I see the person as a person. Once I’m aware of their different components, I construct an appropriate form of interaction that is respectful of them.
But the question is, why would any of this matter if we have people who don’t live with an open mind a good heart. Well, I’d say that start with oneself and hope for the best… Blah Blah Blah. Quite honestly, I’ve have been withdrawing much of this thinking process and instead I’ve been thinking about David Henry Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson’s writings, primarily Self-Reliance and Walden, which I have read again recently for a class. Thoreau’s Walden has been inciting for that I have been frequently aware of my need of a break from life, and not a break from school. I wish I could be like Thoreau and halt my routine life for some substantial amount of time. But the reality is that I’m already drowned in reality that I can’t simple pull back.
This piece of writing is the epitome of my life. You can tell from the fact that it isn’t well-constructed, isn’t precise, and isn’t well thought of. I can’t find the time to do much of the thinking I would like to do in regard to who I am. I’m constantly drowned of portraying the image that people have of me. I’m a victim of this world that has set shackles and restraints on my potential and I have no clue how to deal with it. I highly advise reading Emerson’s Self-Reliance piece in which he talks about how to live a transcendent life through possessing the audacity to not conform, be consistent, value material objects, etc. I do believe that we all need to be inspired, pay more attention, and do more thinking on who we ‘are’ and who we really Are.
