Have you ever wanted something so bad that it became your reason for living and your trigger all at once? Yeah, well, I have. It's sad to say, but this is unfortunately the way I look at the world right now.
Since I was an extremely young child, the notion of everlasting love has enticed me to the point of insanity. I used to inwardly swoon when the princess was swept off her feet by a handsome suitor and bite my lip accordingly when the unlikely protagonist girl fell in love with the teenage heartthrob. I smiled at couples in the hallways throughout school and did my best to look "pretty." (Which, unfortunately, wasn't an effort I made because I wanted to at the time.)
All of this continued effort and here I still sit, watching romance after romance on my television screen and hoping with a heavy heart that the love interests in the books I read would step up for their lovely ladies. No, today I write to tell you about one of my biggest insecurities -- not to gain your sympathy or receive thinly-veiled advice, but to let girls like me out there know that they're not alone.
For you see, I've never known love. Sure, I've been in love once or twice, but these people never even had the chance to love me back. They didn't know that I watched them with hope in my heart or a nervous rumbling in my belly anytime they were around. One wasn't even in this country, much less my league. Yet, I loved on, unknowingly making my yearning for this thing that everyone says is the best feeling in the world even worse.
I've cried myself to sleep more times than I care to count and smiled dumbly at pictures, all the while convincing myself that I was crazy for letting some boy take my emotions for some dangerous, off-road joy ride.
I'd like to say that this is something I'm past now, that I can look back on it and know I've changed for the better, but I'd be kidding myself. These entanglements have done nothing, but leave me high and dry, forever craving something that I am not allowed to have yet.
It's like telling a child that they can't have a cookie before dinner while simultaneously letting them sneak one "behind your back" because you know that the main ingredient is cyanide.
I walk through life aimlessly, watching my chaotic emotions swing to and fro, hoping against hope that this thing or that thing will numb my loneliness. The thing is, it never does. This debilitating, crippling longing just won't leave me be.
As if this wasn't enough, take into account that I know better! I know that I should be having a good time , but I just can't do it! Thus, I'm constantly berating myself for not living for me solely, for having ulterior motives for my actions. It's frustrating and the quick cure is just as horrible, if not worse.
I want to meet someone who, yes, thinks I'm desirable simply because I'm me, but also wants to talk to me about life, ideas and all-around stupid things! I want to get to know a person completely, to have them love me so much that my lack of existence renders them speechless.
Yes, I want to be someone's someone! I want to come home from a long day of classes and have someone to hold me -- someone to listen to my problems and make me feel better. Luckily, I have that in my friends at the moment, and they are fantastic at what they do, but it's just not the same. I want intimacy and I'm not even talking about the sexual kind, I'm talking about being so open with my partner that nothing is off limits.
Now, I can blame all of this on myself or even on my upbringing, but what good is that going to do? That's only spreading negativity and in the grand scheme of things, it's just not worth it! I want to be this great person for this someone, no matter where he may be at the moment, and that starts with looking on the bright side of things.
Somehow in the grand scheme of things, one of my favorite YouTubers, Meghan Hughes, made a vlog about this subject just a few days ago (which is why I took my ramblings here instead of to Twitter or Tumblr). As I watched and listened to the things she felt, I cried my eyes out because someone feels the same way I do and that even though I may be lonely now, I'm not going to be lonely forever.
My favorite quote from the video, tweeted my one of Meghan's Twitter followers, was one of the most obvious statements I'd ever heard, but it hit me the hardest. She said, "You're job right now is to express love to other people and feel it back from them, to really be a role model for other girls. You would be distracted by that if you were in a relationship."
I completely agree and relate to this! No, I'm not a famous YouTuber with 366,411 subscribers, but the kind of romance depicted in my books is pure and I really try to demonstrate what love should be like. Yes, I have to throw my characters some curve balls at times, but the most important theme I try to convey to my readers (who I assume will be in their early to late twenties) is that love is not solely domination or compulsiveness. It's patient, trusting and kind; it takes everything out of you and scrambles it up until you are a new and improved person.
Yes, as we read it or even watch television, we may know that it's realistically only on the page, but words make your world and if you put these positive ideas in, positive will come out. Through this process of suffering and growth, we can become better people and once we do love ourselves, we can turn right around and love somebody else. That's why I write, that's why I crawl out on a limb with every word I write because even though you think you may be alone in your loneliness, you're not! Everyone is on their own journey, and we all will come across the tunnel of love at some point in our lives. It might be empty for years, you'll be alone and afraid of impending doom, but one day, that person you're going to build a life with will come walking by and feel all these things for you that you already feel for them.