I think I'm realizing just how incredibly sad and dark my brain has been these last few months. From dealing with the overwhelming trauma of losing my mother a mere 2 1/2 years ago, to the intense summer, and being back on campus - I've never felt more out of place and awkward in my own skin. I've tried to suppress the demons that crawl into my head and overtake every part of my inner most thoughts, but the more I try to suppress the more it brings me down.

I'm generally, at least I hope, a very uplifting and joyful person. But something has taken over me - like a sea of dark clouds trying to invade every space, every fibre of who I am. I don't feel like me. I'm not smiling, I'm barely sleeping, and when I can get a meal in, it's nothing substantial. These feelings of sadness, depression and solitude have become the norm for me. I've come home in tears the last few nights because I just cannot handle what life is throwing at me right now, and I've been through the ringer, and to be in this place of deep rooted mess scares the hell out of me.

I'm a mess. And that's the best word I have for it. My head is a mess, filled with thoughts of utter and utmost sadness, a jumbled up place of confusion of "I don't know what I'm doing anymore," of not understanding the root of where all of this is coming from. I have a lot to look forward to - an upcoming interview with the Disney College Program, one last semester on campus, a semester free to do what I want, graduation, and the future - which can be whatever I want it to be. But with all of these positive things, there also comes the negative, the things I've been dreadfully avoiding, the things I've carried with me, the pain I don't want to face.

This unwanted pain began approximately a week ago, when I began realizing that this was my last semester on campus and I had to begin it without the one person who got me here in the first place. She was the most wonderful woman I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, filling my life with so much joy, happiness and all the love in the world. She introduced me to theatre, and helped me find a home in this place. She took me on numerous vacations to Disney World, opening me up to a world of possibilities. She supported me at all of my events, was the first to wish me a Happy Birthday and she was always the one I searched for in a sea of crowded people. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. And on the same side, the moment she died, I thought for a split second "I don't want to go back."

But, something in me changed. It was as if my Mother had opened up the world for me, and took me back, pulled me back in for one more hug, and whispered to me quietly, "you can do this." And it seems as though I am beginning to deal with the loss and the grief I feel for her, and the grief I'm presently going through, she's sitting in the back of my mind telling me, "you can do this."

And at the root of it all, getting through these obstacles - I need to take it one day at a time. I need to recognize that I'm a mess, that sometimes I'm going to feel shitty. I'm going to be full of sadness, and I need to recognize and tell myself it's okay to feel this way, it's okay to reach out and ask for the help you need. That it's okay to not be positive all the time, and it's certainly okay to ask for the burden and heaviness of the show to be lifted off your shoulders. I have a plethora of people at the ready to help me get through whatever it is life throws at me, I just need to accept that this is what's going on, this is who I am, and recognize that everything I'm feeling is valid.

I'm thankful to have writing as an outlet, as a way to get all that's on my brain out. I'm thankful to be here today, and to witness the world around me. I'm also thankful to be able to listen to a band who brings awareness to the darkness that lives inside all of us - that they have become advocates for mental health, and always telling us that, "It's okay to not be okay."

May you put yourself first occasionally - pay attention to what you need. If it's a cup of tea, journaling, writing your thoughts down, playing your favorite bands music (like 5 Seconds of Summer), treating yourself to a face mask, painting your nails, going on a walk or whatever brings you joy - do that. Give yourself permission to fully feel everything that's hitting. Recognize the mood you're in, and give yourself fully to that. And never be afraid to reach out and ask for help, that is the best thing you can do for yourself, trust me.

And most importantly, love yourself, love your body, be kind to yourself and recognize what it is you need. You're not wrong for putting yourself first, for making sure your health and sanity are protected. You only have one you, so love on yourself and be kind.

(p.s. Enjoy these GIFS of Ashton Irwin from the music video for Jet Black Heart by Australian pop-punk/rock band, 5 Seconds of Summer)