I remember waking up one morning in August and suddenly feeling hopeless and sad. I thought back to the last time I took my antidepressants and realized that I had taken my medicine.
"Why do I feel this way?" I asked myself, but instead of pushing the issue, I just took my medicine again, continuing on with my day. Unfortunately, this feeling would not go away, my medicine would stop working, and I would ignore it until the very last minute. (Spoiler alert: it is not pretty.)
Many people ask me what it is like to have depression, but mostly everyone can't seem to grasp it completely. Which is okay, but sometimes it is difficult if you come across someone like a professor that gets frustrated with you because you can't seem to do the work. Depression isn't always a feeling of sadness or staying in bed all day; sometimes it can mean you are functioning without really living. You're basically a robot. No emotion, no happiness OR sadness, no feelings what-so-ever. Numb. Blank. Surviving, not thriving.
After so much time, I lost interest in the things I loved like writing articles, reading books, hanging out with friends, etc. I desired to lie in bed and never retreat. I've missed a lot of classes- my favorite professor even noticed something was wrong. I would go into class, blank-faced, tears streaming down my face, and wondering whether I really cared anymore. I stopped raising my hand, I haven't turned in any papers for a month, and I don't even care to register for my classes next semester. I am just a puddle of a sad college student. I thought that I had to deal with feeling like I'd rather wither into nothing instead of working on myself so that I could go to class because I truly thought that was more important.
Let me be loud and clear- Your well-being is more important than your grades. You cannot get good grades or be successful if you don't feel like you're you.
Life is hard and I get there are some things you can't change, but I do know that you can at least ease the burden of some things. If you're going to live, don't just barely live, you need to live like there is no tomorrow. If you ever think that your grades are more important than your mental wellbeing, then you will struggle to get better. This is something I have learned in my time at college. I have spent so much time trying to get good grades that I have severely neglected myself and fallen into a dangerous hole; one that could've had a very unhappy ending.
If someone tries to tell you that getting good grades are more important than your overall wellbeing, just walk away, because SELF CARE COMES FIRST. You can do anything you set your mind to, as long as your mind is ready to be set on anything. If anyone makes you feel bad for putting yourself first, before you think about apologizing, just remember that you don't EVER have to apologize for taking care of yourself.
Grades can be fixed, no matter what anyone tells you, but you can't fix them if you're not ready and willing. You only have one you. One chance. So, that is why I am putting myself first no matter what anyone says. Drink some water, get no less and no more than eight hours of sleep, and remember to smile because of how far you've come. You got this.
