Picture this: a sunny weekend in July, the air thick with the smell of potato casserole. Wait, potato casserole? Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The time that we all dread, our family reunions. The morning of is basically hell. You’re dragged out of bed way too early and you’re supposed to look put together and absolutely chipper to be up and moving. Your dad is packing the cooler up (the blue one, because the red one leaks). Your mom is doing laps in the kitchen, trying to whip together six desserts in two and a half hours. And then comes the agonizing part: cramming five kids, four tote bags full of food, three sets of cornhole, two dogs, and the kitchen sink all into the back of a mini van. Once you actually get to the reunion it’s all forced socialization and trying to keep your parents from telling that embarrassing story of what you did when you were eight. But what if your family reunion wasn’t that bad? What if it consisted of the people who we love to hate? What if the people at your reunion were the same people who are running for president?
Hillary Clinton
The definition of self-proclaimed “hip aunt”. She wears bright fuchsia lipstick and inappropriately uses slang. (“Gee, these brownies are on fleek!) She’s desperate to fit in with the millennials and really wants the two of you to get matching floral leggings. There’s always a margarita in her hand and a bottle of vodka stowed away in her purse. She goes around the crowd bragging about the futon she just bought for her “trap house” and you never have the heart to tell her that a trap house is not a cool place for kids to hang out.
Bernie Sanders
Good ol’ Bernie is the easily excitable grandpa at the party. His grandchildren gather around him, eager to hear the stories from his wilder days. He loves wearing ties with pictures of Mickey Mouse on them and his socks never seem to match. Don’t be fooled by his age though, he’ll be the first one to soak you during a water balloon fight.
Martin O’Malley
Martin is your second favorite uncle. His closet is full of flannels and he really enjoys craft beers. Halfway through the reunion he disappears without saying goodbye to anyone. You don’t miss him though because after all he is only your second favorite uncle.
Donald Trump
We all have one of these in our families, the racist uncle. Somehow all of the punchlines to his jokes revolve around immigrants. His crass commentary makes everyone around him uncomfortable. You spend the afternoon praying that he’ll consume one drink too many and pass out on the picnic table.
Marco Rubio
Between his boyish grin and his puppy dog eyes, Rubio is the epitome of adorable cousin. He wears Old Navy t-shirts and volunteers at the animal shelter over the weekends. Although very bright, he has difficulty keeping up with conversation between some of the louder family members.
Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz is the creepy uncle that you spend the whole afternoon avoiding. When he first greets you he admires how much you’ve grown since the last time he saw you. His hugs are awkwardly long and he always faintly smells like beef jerky.
Ben Carson
Carson is your mom’s second cousin or your mom’s half cousin or something along those lines. Really, you don’t know how he’s related to you. He’s soft spoken and spends the afternoon standing by the dessert table. Whenever he speaks to you it’s nearly impossible to catch what he says. Instead of asking for him to repeat himself, you just politely nod and walk away
Chris Christie
Christie drives six hours to show up at the reunion. He brings his four kids and his golden retriever. Inevitably, he clogs the toilet halfway through the gathering and spends the remaining hours trying to blame everyone else.
Now this summer while you’re struggling through your usual family gathering you can imagine Donald Trump’s awful toupee attached to your least favorite uncle. Bonus points if he passes out drunk before the night is over.
