Dear dog owners who do not pick up after their dogs,
I went on a walk today with my dog. As we were going along it occurred to me that there was an awful lot of dog poop on the trail. Believe me, there comes a point where you can no longer pick up the stuff that comes out of your dog. The time I am talking about is when it's so liquid that you could mistake it for pee.
Now I know this better than most because my dog suffers from a stomach sensitive to everything. And this is OK, because he is mine, and I try to do my best to pick up as much of his matter as I can, but even that has limits. Anyway, people of the world, I was honestly just trying to walk my dog down this trail and every yard or so there was a solid, completely formed, easily scoop-able pile of dog poo…
Why?
The general public has to understand that the people who produce those little plastic bags to pick up this stuff need money too. I mean we can’t deprive them of a living because of our own incapabilities to pick up after our pets. I mean we own them. These people who make these bags need to eat, sleep, and feed their families. If not for our consumption how would they live?
How?
The process of picking up poo is a simple one. Step one: the dog shits. That one is a given. Step two: open bag. This one is challenging at some points because the people who economize on these bags make them so hard to open. Step three: bend over and pick up the poo.
And, in three steps, it is done.
Entitled?
Dogs must think they are entitled. I mean why do WE, humans of much superior intelligence, have to pick up after them? They can’t speak. They don’t know arithmetic or have a Facebook (some do…). What do dogs do for us? Besides unconditional love of course, there really isn’t much else. We spend our time taking care of them most of the day only for them to mess it all up again. Should we petition for dogs to start picking up our poo?
Is the world really your bathroom?
The real answer is no. The world is not your bathroom or your dog's. If it is only possible for you to do one charitable thing in the world, let this be it. Don’t deprive the other dogs of the world because of your laziness. Something you might not know about is that other dogs with very sensitive stomachs can catch worms from being so damn interested in the poo your dog left behind. Do you know what this means? Probably not because it does not directly affect you. But it makes others’ dogs get sick. And you must like dogs, considering you own one, so just don’t inconvenience others. Pick it up.
Is money the answer?
Maybe, if I paid you to pick up after your dog, you would do it. I feel like five dollars a bag would be a good starting point, and, if there is more than one dog, there can be an additional bonus. Then I would take that poo you would give me and light it on fire and put it on your porch because we both know that even if I paid you, you still wouldn’t pick it up.
Role Reversal?
What if we pooped everywhere? I mean we humans. Let’s just theorize about what would happen. We would just poop. Outside of buildings, inside buildings, in swimming pools, on the beach, in the woods. We sort of already do these things, but in bathrooms. Just imagine there are no bathrooms and we go as we please. What a mess. And you know what all you people who left your dog poop, I would take my free pooping rights and poop all over your yard. I’m not talking about my dog either, I’m talking about me. Let that sink in.
What else?
Well, I’d like to end this letter on some good news. I have discovered a new fuel source. And guess what!?! It is found in all of this abandoned dog poop. It’s all natural and endlessly abundant thanks to you wonderful humans. This fuel will power my new jetpack as I fly over your homes and drop gifts of gratitude on your doorstep (those gifts are a surprise). To end this letter, I would like to thank all of you who have contributed to my discovery. You may not know who you are, but I do. So, please keep doing what you do best.
Sincerely,
Those of us who pick up after our dogs
