Dear Dad,
I miss you. It has been nearly a year and a half since I saw you last, and it seems like time is flying by. Several things have changed since you've been gone. Some of these changes have been good, and some not so much.
Since you've been gone, I have accomplished some great things. I placed first chair in district band, traveled to Germany, Austria, and France, and attended medical camp. Not to mention, I graduated high school, and I am about to begin my first year of college. It has been wonderful and crazy, and I wish you could have been here to witness it. I wish you could have been here with me through it all.
It has been really hard for me to cope. I am constantly reminded of you in everything I do, and while I love to think about you, I have a very difficult time. I know that I should be thinking about the positive times that we shared together, but its much easier to think about the times when you were sick. I remember everything from you laying on the couch with a sheet because you couldn't get up the stairs, and I remember watching you take your last breath. Your final moments are forever embedded into my head, and sometimes I wish that they were not.
Some days are a greater struggle than others. Holidays are hard, but milestones are even harder. There simply are not enough words to describe the feeling that occurs when an important day occurs that you are no longer able to attend. My 18th birthday was the worst. After a long and stressful day of school and an audition, I didn't get to come home to a card that had a sappy message, and was signed in your awful handwriting. I shut down. I find myself doing that a lot lately. The feeling of being without you is overwhelming, but I know that you are now in a better place.
But Dad, I feel as if I need to thank you. You taught me something that I probably would have taken me several years to understand. You taught me what it means to live. I know that you were sick for 13 years, but you fought harder than anyone else I knew. You fought for your life, and by doing so, I feel like you were fighting for me. Cancer is not an easy battle, and even though you are no longer here, I feel as if you have still won.
You went to all of my sports events when I was young, all of my concerts, school events, and went on miscellaneous vacations with me. I never knew how afraid you were of your illness until I was older, and I need to thank you for that. By not showing your fear or letting it tear you apart, we were able to do all these things together. I'll never forget that contagious laugh, the way you would try to embarrass me in front of my friends, or how you would cry when I made you proud. And how could anyone forget the way you would yell like a girl at the television when your favorite sports teams were losing? Even through our stupid bickering, I could tell that you loved me. I know that you would do anything to be here with me.
Without your determination to stay alive for your family, friends, your life, and myself, I know that I would have never gotten the 17 years with you that I had. I could never repay you for that. I sincerely hope that you enjoyed our time together just as much as I did. I just hope that I can continue to make you proud. I'm doing this all for you, dad.
I love you.
William Guy McMullen
December 13th, 1961 - March 7th, 2015
