Imagine this: You and your boyfriend go out on a date. You're at a nice restaurant with good food, good service and good vibes. Both of you are dressed very nice. You're both being really sweet, and it's a good day. He wants you to come back to his room after the date and you can already imagine the make-out session!
Pause!
This is where you decline the invitation, my friends. Your intentions and mindset are in the wrong place. You're setting yourself up for failure.
We've heard it all before. We hear it in church. We hear it in Bible study, and we hear it in our youth groups. Sex before marriage is a sin, yes. We know not to do it, but here are some tips to help keep yourself pure. Take it from a girl who's been there. These tips will really help you if you let them.
First, we must realize that being a virgin and protecting your purity are two totally different things. I admit, I never considered the differences before. I believed that as long as I was a virgin when I got married, I'd protected my purity. Not so. You can be a virgin and still be giving away your purity. If you're not having sex but you're engaging in things that can lead to sex, you're not maintaining your purity. Purity is a way of life, not a single action. A lot of times as young adults trying to live Christian lives, we play the "how far can we go" game. We see how far we can go and what all we can do without being convicted. That's not a good way to live. You get stuck in a vicious cycle of repenting, and engaging in foreplay only makes the natural desire for sex grow stronger. Make a decision to live a life of protecting your purity versus just waiting to have sex until marriage.
1 Thessalonians 4:3
"For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality."
Secondly, we have to know that it is OK to be selfish with yourself. Your body is God's, and then it is yours. You belong to God. No one else. It's OK for you to treat your body as a temple, because it is. It's OK to choose that you're not going to give yourself away to anyone who isn't worthy; because if they're not your husband, they aren't worthy. It's OK for you to say no. It's OK for you to respect and protect yourself. If anyone tells you otherwise, they don't respect you and you should get rid of them. Do it. It's necessary. I promise.
Sometimes churches, parents and even friends can make us feel ashamed for having sexual desires. We have to understand that having desires is not a sin. We were born to desire to engage in the physical aspects of a relationship. You are not wrong for desiring certain things, and you are not wrong for wanting the physical parts of a relationship. The trouble comes when you act on those desires. The REAL trouble comes when you cross boundaries that don't need to be crossed.
Romans 13:4
"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires."
A lot of girls believe kissing is completely innocent in a relationship. No, girl. Kissing can get you into trouble.There is nothing wrong with certain types of kissing. Most kisses are pretty innocent, but sometimes kissing crosses the line. Kissing is a gateway. It opens you up to other actions, and that's where the problem comes in. Be careful with the kisses. Be very careful. Oh, and guess what? All boys do want sex...but so do girls. Again, we were designed with sex in mind. So I guess the age old saying, "Boys only want one thing," is true to an extent! Guys are not the only ones who desire sex, but you must keep in mind that it was created for marriage. Along with that, sex can bring about a lot of different emotions that can complicate a relationship. We all need to understand that we're going to want to have sex, but we just do what's necessary not to have sex.
Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be had in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled: for fornicators and adulterers God will judge."
One thing we have to do to live a life of purity is to not doubt or discredit the concept of soul ties. Soul ties are real. Yes, soul ties are indeed real. There is an exchange that takes place when two people have sex. You are connected to that person on levels that you can't even imagine once that line is crossed. Premarital sex can be detrimental to a relationship and to an individual. You become attached to the other person in a way that is unhealthy if not married. Therefore, if you break up, you're left with a connection that was never supposed to be there in the first place. You're left to disengage yourself from a bond that wasn't supposed to go as far as it did, and I can imagine that it sucks to do so.
We're all grown ups here. We know ourselves, which means we know what our triggers are. You have to set boundaries for yourself and your relationship. It may seem lame to some people who don't value the same things as you, but boundaries are a must in a relationship. Know yourself and know the person you're dating. Don't put yourself in a situation to be tempted or even act on your desires prematurely. No Netflix and chilling if you can't handle it. Just because you're young doesn't mean you have to do what everybody else does. If your purity means something to you, do what's necessary to keep it.
1 Timothy 4:12
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity."
Ladies, we have to monitor what we take in. What you listen to, hear people say and watch on television can have a lot to do with what you feel and what you desire. If you're filling your brain with thoughts of sex and sexual acts, you're going to want to partake in those things. What you think directly correlates with what you do. So protecting what you let enter your mind is basically protecting your purity. Music about sex, shows about sex and friends that only talk about sex: unnecessary!
One of the best tips I can give you is that accountability partners are nice. It's a really good idea to have someone you trust on standby just to make sure you're staying within the boundaries you set for yourself. It's perfectly OK to have someone else available to keep you on track. This person can go on double dates with you, if you believe things are getting too heavy with your significant other or just remind you of your values every once in a while to keep you on track. It helps.
Lastly, he needs to protect your purity, not just respect it. It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who just respects your beliefs in purity. It's hard to be with someone who looks at your life choices in terms of "taking it slow" versus "living a pure life." You should date someone who not only vows to help protect your purity, but is on that same path as well. You guys should work together in remaining faithful to what He has called us to do, as Christians, regarding purity. You should reprimand each other when conversations lack purity, when it gets easier to cross those boundaries you guys set and when you guys find yourself questioning if your relationship is based on principles of purity. Your guy needs to be a protector of your values, your beliefs and ultimately your purity.
Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Believe me when I say I know it's hard. Trust me. I know it's easy to forget your boundaries when you're extremely attractive to your S.O., but it's the most rewarding thing when you know you and your guy are truly following God. Your relationship is sweeter and it's easier because you know the blessings and promises of God are coming your way. As always, love God, love people. And love your life of purity.
