Through media, this generation has seen promiscuity through negative lenses. The terms “slut”, “man-whore” and “f---boy” are used on a regular. Now, I am not saying that promiscuity is in anyway a thing that should be glamorized. What I am saying is that we should treat it as a symptom of dangerously low self-worth and a underdevelopment into a person’s identity.

Sigmund Freud was a neurologist who did research on specific emotional development when it comes to human beings. Erik Erikson took that research and developed it into The Stages of development. This shows the ages of a human being that is growing and the psychological development of the brain through maturation.

It shows that ages 12-18 years old is the developmental stages of Identity and Role Confusion. This is also the time when a person’s body is sexually developing. A person’s sexuality plays a huge role in identity. A person is to find out who they are emotionally, physically, and now sexually and it is at times frustrating; hence the term “sexual frustration” which is found in a lot of teenage media.

In Erikson’s Study it shows that if something significant happens to a person in one of the stages of development then it cripples further development. I hear all the time “Oh she has daddy issues.” Meaning that a girl likes older men or just to sleep around because there is a problem with her father or father figure and that relationship. This might be seen as a joke or as something fiction but I assure you it’s not. It’s also the furthest thing from a joke.

Promiscuity is a symptom of a significant hole in the stages of growth and development. Usually in most cases; it’s abandonment. Whether by a parent or by a big role model in their life. This causes the person to chase intimacy usually sexually because it can be powerful kind of intimacy. This is known as Love Addiction, someone who chases love and acceptance through sex or co-dependent relationships (not always sexual).

The other case there’s smothering. This is when someone in your life did everything for you. Even in the stages when you were supposed to learn how to do it on your own, that person wouldn’t let you. This transforms into Love avoidance. This means that you chase love away by having sex or co-dependent relationships.

Now it might be confusing that two people can use the same two things to try and receive a completely different result. Long story short, smothering causes a person to close off intimacy with a bunch of sex, while abandonment causes a person to chase intimacy with a bunch of sex. This causes the worst love cycle known to man. If you don’t know what I am talking about look at any couple that is always on and off and one person seems miserable while the other seems perfectly fine and yet they don’t break up.

Now, when I talk about abandonment I am not just talking about the stereotypical “someone leaving forever.” It can be a parent going into the army and going to Iraq for a long time. It could be someone passing away. A lot of the times parents or people do not intend to abandon children. Sometimes it’s how the child interprets it. This is the same with smothering, a parent, babysitter, or even sister might think that they are helping and doing a good job. It is in no way some kind of creepy grooming like Norman Bates. Those are rare cases and usually result in a lot more severe issues than promiscuity.

It’s not right to point fingers, laugh, judge or tease. It’s not okay to assume that a girl chases sex to be loved because they could be chasing sex to avoid love. Same with men. Roles with Love Addiction/Avoidance go both ways and are in any kind of relationship not just sexual. So instead of judging and placing horrendous labels, we should be reaching out spreading awareness. This is just like a drug addiction or any kind of addiction that rules our lives. It needs intervention and treatment. Luckily, there is an anonymous program for co-dependency and Love and sex addiction. There is also amazing literature. There are ways to help yourself fill holes left in development healthily.

Promiscuity is not bad. It’s not evil, gross, even bad ass, or cool. Sex should be a connection factor in a relationship. It should be about giving as well as taking. It should not be a tool to help soothe emotional pain. It’s a dangerous way to live when you are just reaching physical satisfaction.

So the next time you see someone using the term “slut” or “f---boy,” Remember they are referring to a human being. A human being that is suffering and might not even know there is any other solution. Reach out, stop harassment, and be the person who can help.