Up until I was in high school, I was always a straight-edge and organized student. It was impossible for me to miss a deadline and I loved the feeling of having everything under control and prepared.
For some reason, my attitude towards time management changed drastically when I was around the age of 15. All of a sudden, I started to put off doing my work. I would wait until the panic of an approaching deadline set in, usually at the last possible second, and do my work in a frenzied state before handing it in. I knew it wasn't the best way of doing things, but for some reason, I couldn't stop doing it.
While it may seem careless of me to procrastinate until the last minute, a lot of the time it was precisely the opposite. The truth is, though it's completely contradictory, I'm a procrastinator just as much as I am a perfectionist. Even though I wait for deadlines to approach, it's usually because I'm afraid my work isn't going to be as good as I want it to be. As a result, I'm left in a vicious cycle of stressing myself out and scrambling to finish.
As many procrastinators will know, there is something about the adrenaline of an impending due date that ignites a surge of inspiration. A lot of the writing I have done right before a deadline has turned out to be my best work, even though it came with the price of rushing myself to get it done.
Still, is it worth it to keep going through the hurried stress of the very last minute? What would happen if I did the same work with more time and patience?
My procrastination is certainly not something I am proud of, but not for the reasons you may think. While I know it's a bad habit to leave things to the last minute, I am most ashamed that my procrastination stems from my fear of failure. In rushing to get something, I barely have any time to doubt myself or overthink my work; instead, I have no choice but to turn it in.
Maybe I don't always procrastinate out of laziness, but because I'm afraid to let myself down. Instead of rushing through my work just to meet a deadline, I hope that soon I won't need the desperate surge of inspiration to get myself started. Instead, I'll have enough confidence to take my time.
