It is generally believed that 2016 wasn't that great of a year for the world, but now it's over! And there is apparently some hope on the horizon in the form of Sophia Johnson, the first baby born in the year 2017. Yup, you guessed it: Sophia already vapes!
"Of course we're proud of her," reported Vicki Johnson, Sophia's mother. Vicki is a local unemployed citizen with three other children that are all currently missing. "I mean, as soon as we realized that she was a Capricorn, we knew that she belonged in Vape Nation."
What a cool baby, right?! So how did Sophia make so much progress so quickly?
"When she first came out, she was, like, naked," her father, Timothy, told authorities. Timothy is a professor of biotechnological engineering at the local preschool. "I knew she wasn't ready yet, but pretty soon she was grabbing at [Vicki's] nipple, and I instinctively did what I had been preparing to do for the past few months: I passed the vape pen like a metaphorical torch. It was, actually, really beautiful. She coughed a little bit, you know, but she settled right in."
Not everybody is praising Sophia for her quick path to popularity, though.
"What the hell are they thinking?" asked the stupid nerd doctor, Dr. Lame. "This is extremely unhealthy for their child, and I will do everything in my power to let them know that. This cannot possibly be real right now." At press time, Dr. Lame was being locked in a car trunk by Sophia's bodyguard, Sven.
"[Dr. Lame] upset Sophia," said Sven, a man of few words. "Can't happen."
UPDATE: Sophia Johnson has reportedly purchased a 2018 Ferrari, complete with hookers and heavy drugs, which she will be using for the next couple of years before she has to start taking the school bus. Rumor has it that one of the hookers is already dead, covered in bruises that appear to be in the shape of a vape pen. Sophia has declined to comment on the matter until she speaks with her lawyer, which will be delayed until she learns how to speak.
