It was a lazy, chilled out Saturday night for me as I scrolled through Netflix looking for something to watch. I was already binge watching "Orange is the New Black", but I needed a break from it. I had caught up on all my anime and nothing new had interested me. I scrolled through one genre too fast and then something caught my eye. "Christian Mingle: The Movie" stared at me as I stared at it. I blinked once. Twice. Three times. It was still there. I simply HAD to watch it and I started it up for what would probably be one of the craziest movies I've ever seen. I can only blame myself for putting myself in this crummy juncture.

I'm not going to sugar coat this in any stretch of the word. Christian Mingle is as horrible as it sounds. This film takes the Herculean effort making a one minute ad into a whopping one hour and 43 minute film. I have to give the writers some credit for that at least. According to director, Corbin Bernsen, he felt this movie is something that should exist so he approached the minds behind the dating website, and acquired the rights to the film then use of the name. Let me give you a pro tip: If you don't want people to think your movie is a paid advertisement for Christian Mingle, maybe you shouldn't title your film "Christian Mingle: The Movie". With that aside, let's delve deeper into the rom-com madness.

Meet 30 year old Gwyneth, a woman with a successful career and driven by her ambitions but she's lacking one thing: a man; something all of her friends constantly remind her of along with their own engagements to their significant others. Her friends are unimportant to even begin to talk about their character as they appear for only one scene and vanish for the rest of the film. Gwyneth's character over the course of the film can be summed up with "I'm a woman with qualities that completely turn men off so in order to attract men, I'm going to lie about everything I am and relinquish myself to subservience and give up everything I worked for!" After seeing a Christian Mingle commercial and because no woman is living a full life without a man, Gwyneth buys a bunch of books on Christianity and signs up for the website to meet the man of her dreams. Sure she could've gone to literally any other website like Ok Cupid, Match, or eHarmony but then again, this wouldn't be the movie if she did. Other characters in the film are there just to fill a specific stereotype; the crazy, quirky boss, the sassy black friend, the list goes on.

Then again, I guess there isn't anyone better than a Christian. This movie posits the idea that Gwyneth couldn't find love from any other walks of life except a Christian. I'm pretty sure she could've met a very charming Buddhist or Muslim. It also berates the idea that anyone other than a Christian can use the website. A character straight up yells at Gwyneth: "That place is for Christians to meet other Christians! You're not Christian!" So she meets her match in Paul, who looks like the first clone of Norman Bates and portrays emotions as well as a soulless Andy Griffith Show extra. The background props are more interesting than him. This is the guy that sweeps Gwyneth off her feet. What is also crazy is that Paul is the first man she meets from the website and they hit it off on the first date. She couldn't have had a few flubs before meeting him? Anyway, their first date is over a cup of coffee where she makes an awkward prayer over it attempting to display how Christian she is. Paul instead finds this instance cute, and is too blinded by his own halo to see the weird situation. The movie takes on a montage of dates with them, throwing in cringe-worthy attempts at comedy with a story about a drifter named, Wood, who sees Jesus in a piece of driftwood, and Paul finding his faith in a science fair project with cheese to which Gwyneth replies: "Sweet Cheesus." (vomits)

Gwyneth gets to meet the rest of Paul's friends and family going to their Bible study and church, and is introduced to a romantic rival, Kelly, who doesn't seem to even care or notice there's a love triangle going on between her, Paul, and Gwyneth. I think she has less than 10 lines in the film. Paul's mother has already sniffed out her "devious" ways and alerts Paul that she's not what she claims to be. Its amazing it takes so long for everyone to realize it considering she does another awkward and unconvincing prayer when the family goes out to (hold your breath) Steak n' Cake. Paul disregards his mother's words knowing that she truly wants him to be with Kelly despite him not having feelings for her. However, when Kelly finds Gwyneth's "Christianity for Dummies" book during a mission trip to Mexico, she fully outs her godlessness in front of a horrified congregation. This could've been a genuinely good moment in the film as it raises the question: If someone wants to be a Christian and is actively trying to understand the faith, doesn't that make them a Christian? What else does she need? A brand? Sign a contract? Some holy hazing week? That moment is then ruined minutes later. Paul is especially hurt by this, displaying what looks more like constipation rather than hurt and disappointment, and he tells Gwyneth in so many words, 'You're not Christian, I can't be with you."

Gwyneth loses her man and she decides to get really serious about understanding the Christian faith. We get treated to another montage of her reading her Bible, finding a church of her own to go to and participating there. After a while, she seeks out Paul, looking for a second chance. She instead finds that him and Kelly have gotten together, and she asks him to meet with her. At this meeting, she confronts Paul about his new relationship with Kelly, literally insulting her saying he has no love for her, and then Paul rightfully rejects Gwyneth telling her she can't take a week of learning about Christianity, thinking she knows everything and expect to win him back. This is addressed by making Gwyneth actually have a conversation with God. How is this done in the film? A random ray of sunlight in her home and a wind brushing her drapes alerts her to believing this HAS to be God communicating to me. I think this was meant for us to see her wrestle with her faith but all I could think about was what a nightmare of a life someone must live to think every small occurrence was God directly speaking to them. (That horrible car crash on the news must've been God telling me not to eat these pizza rolls!)

Next, our heroine receives a letter from one of the children in Mexico thanking her for her work there and we're treated to some pretty awful Spanish accents via voice over for the reading of the letter. Was that really hard to find in Southern California? These "messages" from God inspire Gwyneth to quit her job and move to Mexico to teach children because out of nowhere; working at an advertisement agency has moral consequences! "I'm working at a job where I have to lie," she says. Smash cut to time passing and Gwyneth in Mexico teaching. One of the students comes in telling her that someone wants to meet her at the church and she goes off to find who else, but Paul. He's left Kelly for Gwyneth, because now she's proven herself marriageable for God and they hug, kiss and they live happily ever after.

"Christian Mingle: The Movie" is everything wrong with the portrayal of faith in movies. The white Christian protagonists are living breathing Jesuses to the people around them. Paul's family is all too perfect, saying "Praise the Lord," so many times in one scene it begins to feel cultish. Everyone's attitude is exclusive and that's exactly what Paul's family does to Gwyneth giving her dirty looks when she doesn't know a scripture or makes an awkward prayer, and I'm pretty sure the Christian faith doesn't operate like that. This isn't anything close to old-fashioned, but boy does it come close. The only thing I enjoyed of this movie is the main actress Lacey Chalbert. She does her best with what's she's given and her acting is genuinely adorable despite her strange way of coming into the faith. "There was something about all of them. Everyone seems so happy." "Christian Mingle: The Movie" is as bland as bland can get, lacking any emotion and energy serves only as giant product placement that can rival the Transformers franchise.