“Thy will be done”... Four simple, yet profound words. It was just last week, on September 7th, that I prayed these words. A song I’ve recently become obsessed with is “Have it all” by Bethel Music. In the song it says, “You can have it all Lord, every part of my world. Take this life and breathe on, this heart that is now yours.” That night I cried out, in my car, I gave my all to God, I gave him my relationships, my job, my family, everything. I remember specifically praying for one of my relationships and saying, “If you take them, I’m okay with that. Thy will be done.” I didn’t think that He would actually respond to that. Just three days later, that friend was taken from me. Not by death, but by choice of themselves. We are temporarily taking a break, and growing separately. To say I’m not in utter shock, in complete stress and chaos, and not heartbroken, would be a lie. They were my biggest supporter in my time of depression, severe anxiety, and health problems. They were my “go to” they were my rock.
...And maybe that’s the issue, I was putting this friend, this relationship, before God. I was no longer dependent on God for my strength and joy, but on this person. Forgetting that people fail us, people leave us, people let us down. But God? Never has He ever, and never will He ever fail us, never will He ever leave us, or let us down. He has promised to be a constant in our lives, when everything else crashes, and crumbles around us, He is our strong and mighty fortress in whom we can trust.
Praying, “Thy will be done” or “You can have it all” doesn’t mean that we won’t get hurt, it doesn’t mean that we won’t be confused, it’s quite the opposite actually. You see, we get in our own little cocoon our own “safe place” that we don’t want anything to change than what is happening right now, right in this moment. When in reality, the only “safe place” to be in, is in the center of God’s will. It’s wild, it’s untamed; honestly, it’s confusing in there, But it’s worth it.
I have placed so much of my identity in this person, I was living in their shadows. I became so attached, that I forgot I have a story of my own. A story of love, faith, overcoming difficulties, shining light on the darkness, a story of transformation and boldness. I lost who I was, the “Seth” who didn’t care what other people thought, The Seth who was courageous, and Independent. I am on the search to find him again. Maybe it took a friend seeing this in me, before I saw it in myself, someone who loved me enough to pull away for awhile, even knowing the pain it would cause me, and them. Maybe it required a raw faith on their part, in order to find the me who has been lost, but is out there somewhere.
When you feel like you’ve lost everything, when you feel empty; but even so, you accept what you cannot change, that’s when you can start your journey to find the genuine you. The strong, independent, beautiful you.
Because it’s not until we truly lose the us that we were never really satisfied with, that we will ever be able to fulfill everything God created, and desires for us to be.
So, to the friend who was bold enough to take a step of faith to save me from losing myself, Thank you. I hope to see you later, and return with the Seth that we have both been wanting back.
