What I have found, is that sometimes we get stuck in our lives and in our heads.
There was a time in my life where I just wanted to escape reality, forget who I was and get out of my head. Feeling this way got me stuck in a place where I was depressed, did not care if I lived or died and wanted to numb all feelings whatsoever.
I had absolutely nothing in my life to complain about, except for the way I felt about myself. I was living in self loathing and letting my comfort in being miserable take over my life. I was slowly killing myself and self destructing.
That is where my addiction took a full turn for the worst. I found the love of my life, heroin. Nothing could compare to how it made me forget the world and numb all pain for a little while. I did not have relationships because I was in one with the one thing that made me feel better. I needed it, it was the one thing that was always there to help me escape. I got addicted to living the life of an addict, the sweet misery and the whole idea of being completely messed up: a zombie and a slave to heroin.
Cold sweats, aching, sickness. That is what it did to me without it, I could not live or even function as a human being without putting a needle in my arm. I filled my needle with chaos and destruction and that is how I was comfortable living.
Living like that, I did not see how much it hurt my loved ones around me. I did not realize that it not only affected my happiness and my soul, but my families too. I can not even imagine what it was like for my family to constantly worry about if I was going to come home or if I was going to be alright. It also hurt them even more to know how much I was hurting.
Today, I am extremely grateful I was sort of pushed into getting sober. I like being sober and I like the way I feel about myself. I see reality and life for how beautiful it can be, and how much I can change the world and love the world I am living in. We create our reality, and only we can create the happiness of the world we are living in.
What I have learned, is that addiction is not what everyone believes it to be. We can put the footwork in and constantly better ourselves with faith. A connection with a power greater than ourselves, with other human beings and the nature we have surrounding us is how we get away from addiction.
Sometimes I can only take my life one day at a time, or even one minute at a time, but believing in myself and the world around me I know recovery is possible.
