Are you aware of everything that is coursing its way through your body? Unless you’re born without skin, chances are you have no idea. Chances are you are probably dead as well.
For those of you with skin, a Massachusetts-born girl, Katherine Cortes, was thought to be the victim of a case of poisoning this past week.
While it may not be too common of an occurrence, poisoning is still a serious problem. Over 2 million deaths last year were the cause of poison. While some have more obvious symptoms and can be treated efficiently, others are more secretive and subtle when they are happening. That's why getting treatment at the first sign of a poisoning can be detrimental to survival.
That was why Massachusetts Poison Control rushed to the Cortes' household when they were tipped Katherine had allegedly ingested some type of poison. Apparently, she had been talking about herself wanting to get rid of the toxicity in her body on her Twitter account. Luckily, the NSA uses “toxic” as a key term in their searches and quickly informed Poison Control. It was when Poison Control finally arrived at Cortes house that they realized they didn’t need to arrive so fast… because Katherine was never poisoned at all!
It turns out that Katherine used some confusing wording on Twitter. When she wanted to get the “toxicity” out of her life, she was ACTUALLY alluding to the fact she had recently been broken up with.
“My life had just been, like, falling to pieces lately, I guess” explained Katherine to the head of Poison Control as they put away their expensive-to-transport equipment, “No amount of acoustic guitar covers I recorded could get rid of the hole he left in my heart. His presence was still there in my life and it was honestly very toxic energy. I just felt the need to let billions of people online know that.”
That sounded pretty rough, but I know there are two sides to every story. That is why I did some real journalism and got an exclusive interview with her ex-boyfriend, Devan, and what he had to say about this.
“We just weren’t connecting anymore, I guess. Things had just run their course it felt like. No use in being in a broken relationship,” said Devan, poisoning the air around him. As a professional, I really do have to say I never felt my personal energy to be more toxic than when I talked to grade-A d*uche bag, Devan. Just talking to him ruined my life for a while and to get the feelings out, I recorded a ukelele cover of “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles, more details to come on that cover FYI.
We caught up with Katherine a day later and she told us she deleted the tweet that caused the whole fiasco… in order to put up a less confusing one. It reads...
“Allowing the toxicity to drain from your life just feels refreshing and positive:)”. Devan is missing out. Get at her, fellas!
On a serious note, here is a heads up for all you kids. There is a BIG difference from actually being poisoned and just dealing with regular problems people deal with in life. Always be careful how you word things online. Remember this before you write something that could get you confused with someone who ACTUALLY has a serious problem, like being poisoned and dying. Here are some tips before you post online!
- You suck at being inspirational.
- Tell your friend about your problems, not the internet.
- Kicking people out of your life doesn’t earn you a brag.
- Gift-wrapping a brag in inspirational language does not turn said brag into something inspirational.
- If people want quotes to inspire themselves, they can log on to Brainyquote.com.
- If you want to learn what an inspirational quote is, you too can log on to Brainyquote.com.
- Therapist offices take most insurance companies.
- Please remember the URL, Brainyquote.com.
