I hate that I miss you,
even when I know ending it was best.
I hate that the memory of you hits me
when I least expect it, leaving my heart aching in my chest.
I have put it past me, I have closed the chapter of you in my book of life,
but sometimes you still cross my mind, causing a twist of the knife.
you used to fill me with such joy, my best friend and lover all in one,
but you've turned into a stranger now that we're done.
* * *
Sometimes the thought of you still pains me. It's not like I haven't moved on or anything, but sometimes my head likes to get stuck in the past.
I want to love someone again the way I loved you.
I want to wake up every day with a stupid smile on my face, just like I did every morning when I was with you.
Not in a sense as if I feel as if I have nobody in my life, because I know I do, but in a sense as if my heart feels lonely.
I never wanted to become "that" girl, the girl who feels as if she always needs someone because I don't. I can be whole and happy alone.
However, the truth is, is I have yet to learn how to love myself and I believe it's important to love yourself before getting into a serious, committed relationship.
You see, my problem is that I refuse to date for the short term, which really blows because I often feel lonely. I miss feeling wanted. I miss having someone that I want to spend every waking second with.
Because even when a relationship goes sour, when it was good, it was good. I crave to have that even though I feel as if I'm not ready for it again. I'm not ready because I know that if I have it, there's potential to lose it all over again and I don't want my heart to go through yet another round of that. I just miss being with someone.
I want someone to embark poetry within my soul again. I want someone whose words can bring tears to my eyes when they express their gratitude for having me in their life again. I want to spend all night on the phone with someone again. I want to love someone with my entire heart again.
Until "again" happens, I must focus on myself and remember that I have an amazing family, amazing friends, an amazing job, an amazing cat, and an amazing life.
I must remember that everything will happen the way it's supposed to, even though it can be so damn hard.
Isn't that the beauty of life, though? The uncertainty? The unknown?
Who knew something could be rather exciting yet rather painful at the same time.