Soft and white
Barely even there
Yet I can still feel it
As my hands gently brush against the base of my neck
Smooth and tender
A small bump sits comfortably on the surface of my flesh
My eyes find it in the mirror
A tiny scar that was once a tiny incision
Like a vampire with only one canine
Branded by the grim reaper himself
Opening up a tunnel to my heart
And inserting his own special brand of fear
Imprinting the lines on the foreheads of my parents
Unreadable and misunderstood
By my own child eyes
Merely an obstacle that would soon pass over me
Like the fears that until years later
Would remain unnoticed
~
The fear of never growing up
The power of the double digits
Handed to me like a scepter
Parading around the play ground
Like some majestic queen who ruled over the land
Of sand castles, swing sets and monkey bars
Never understanding the phrase
You never know what you have until you’ve lost it
And learning how to be strong when there is no one there to be strong for you
Never feeling the exhilaration of crisp pieces of paper
Between my fingers as I turn the page to reveal a new secret
And breathe in the scent of a new world
The scratch of my pen against the parchment spreading
Letters and words like wild fire
Making thoughts and ideas hold new meaning
Never grasping the sticks in my hands
And discovering what it means to really work hard for something
you are passionate about
Long nights that could have been spent on trivial things
Being put towards a grander and more meaningful use
Ringing ears, blistered hands, aching back
All worth it for that one moment of glory
Never discovering the voice that moves people to tears
The heaviness in my chest that settles like a rock
Before the curtain is pulled open to relieve me with bright lights
And a feeling of confidence that fills my grandfather’s heart with pride
The performances and songs that control my emotions like a puppeteer
Never feeling the warm tingle that climbs up your back
Gently touching each and every vertebrae
As if playing an intricate melody
That was written for you in this moment
Until it reaches your mind and turns off all senses of anything
But the warmth of your lips on mine
Never getting to finally hear the words that you have been waiting to hear
Since sixth grade
We welcome you
We congratulate you
We invite you to fill your mind
With the knowledge that will carry you
To your dreams
To your future
Never reaching my future
Never living my life
~
My eyes meet with the girl in the mirror
She stands four feet tall
Her hair frames her body like a cloak of brown
That reaches her thighs
Skin as white as a sheet
Eyes dull and faded
She sways as she stands on the sticks
That were once strong, reliable legs
She holds onto the tall metal rod for support
Her small chance of life dangles ominously
From a clear bag of liquid that trickles down
A tube and into her heart
That fragile heart that still has the strength to smile back at me
The heart that belongs to the barely seven-year-old child who doesn’t know
The future at risk of non-existence
She is brave
Because she is ignorant
I wouldn’t tell her if I could
~
My reflection is tall again
And my eyes linger a little longer
On the memory
Before it tumbles carelessly
From my mind
And my reflection leaves the mirror
