Grammar Police (n): a group of intellects responsible for the prevention and detection of crime against the English language.
As a proud officer of the Grammar Police, it is my duty to do all that I can to put a stop to improper grammar. Many people see us as heinous creatures that are only out to ruin lives, but these people do not realize that we are simply seeking to protect the citizens of the United States from intense embarrassment. We, the officers of the Grammar Police, hereby issue this plea to the people of the United States in hopes that we will create a better, less anxious world for all:
1. Please, figure out the difference between your and you’re.
This one is a no brainer and a common mistake that sends us into an angry craze. Before you try to dazzle the next drop dead gorgeous person you meet, make sure not to text them “your beautiful” if you want a second date.
2. While we’re on the subject, be sure to pay attention to there, their, and they’re.
Mixing up these words to a Grammar Police officer is like locking a person with arachnophobia in a room full of spiders. The ending is just not pretty, and probably involves intensive therapy.
3. Don’t overuse “like” in your writing.
Like I might be wrong, but like the excessive like use of the word like might cause us to break out in a fiery rash.
4. Stop interchanging apart and a part.
This one is probably the worst and sadly, the most frequently used. When you say that you are “so blessed to be apart of the best sorority in the world” you are actually saying the opposite of what you mean. “Apart” means “separated”, so are you telling me that you are happy to be separated from your sorority? If so, that is totally fine, I just want to make sure we are on the same page.
5. Realize that adding “s” or “es” to a word does not automatically make it plural.
Formulas, theories, hypothesises? Nope. Not only will you slightly injure your tongue attempting to pronounce “hypothesises”, but you will also drive the person crazy who is looking for the hypotheses.
6. Know when to use it’s and its.
I am a little more forgiving on this one because it does break traditional grammar norms, but it’s important that a sentence has its own Grammar Police officer to protect it from bad grammar.
7. Quit it with the fragments and run-ons.
You are either leaving me hanging from the edge of the cliff or you have me reading such a long sentence I forget what happened when it started. They are both equally exhausting.
8. Start using affect and effect properly.
You may think that it has no effect on us, when in fact, it affects our entire nervous system. Please don’t cause us to start twitching and cringing; it makes us look weird.
9. If you don't know how to use the past perfect tense, just avoid it.
Nothing is worse than someone who "had ate the whole cake" or "had ran away from home", and not for the obvious reasons you are thinking.
10. Finally, for the love of grammar, the confusion between loose and lose needs to stop.
If you tell us that you are going to “loose the game” you will likely receive a message in response that says, “you have been blocked by this user."
