As a communicator I always pray that my words are met with an open mind and open heart instead of an out of control ego. As someone who demonstrates a small bit of mastery in the art of human communication, as it is the study I am about to receive my degree in even, I realize the deep complexities and subtle nuances that lie in human interactions.
Growing up, I learned early in life to not only be honest and earnest, but also kind and objective -- which is a lot easier said than done. It is difficult for me to reconcile being gentle and sensitive in nature with being ethical in deed by sometimes having to tell people hard truths. My mother, the person who has had the greatest influence over my communication style, has a very direct and some may argue terse approach, which I have adopted into many aspects of my life. As I’ve grown older I have grown impatient with sugarcoating things, and whether good or bad (depending on your own perspective) no one can accuse me of wasting their time by leaving them uncertain of knowing exactly what I think of them.
The dual nature of my personality comes with experiencing a great deal of guilt over my delivery, which is not always wrapped in neat, pretty little packages. I often times wonder if there’s a way I can smooth the edges of what I say to people or if I have reacted too harshly and my nights are often riddled with thoughts on how to tell people the truth without crying over possibly hurting their feelings and having to apologize for it later on. I want everyone to know that I am not flippant nor am I careless (I will often rehearse exactly what I am going to say for weeks before actually bringing it to someone’s attention), but I do stand my ground and I’m still learning how to work on finessing my often blunt speech. However, it is very challenging. I’m not the type of person who will simply tell people what they want to hear, even though sometimes I wish I were.
Part of why I experience such dissonance is because I want people to think I’m a nice person. Fundamentally I am, but I also believe that one of the most loving things one can do as a friend, a partner, a colleague, or family member, is to tell people the truth — especially if they are acting in ways that are harmful or self-destructive. I believe in tough love because I was lied to so many times by people I cared about growing up that I began to want nothing more than honesty, and so I made a vow to walk that walk no matter how much of a challenge that may be.
For those who know me and know my heart, if I’ve ever said anything to hurt or upset you, please tell me. I want to know; I want to be better for you, and for those of who may wonder if my intentions are genuine they are. For any of you who may be mad at me, please be patient and try to forgive me, I really am doing the best that I can.
