Short story about the consequence of memory

She called it Pickwick.

A fat, ugly yellow thing that was more of a squash than a bird, but she babied the hell out of it, I’ll tell you. She was always cooing at it, coddling it, shmoozing with it- you would have thought the bird was a goddamn prodigy with the praises she sung it. God did she love that bird. A canary. Funny thing was the sunavabitch couldn’t sing for his life. She always went about telling me (and anyone who made the mistake of listening really), “canaries are the most lovely of birds, with voices like angels”, but Pickwick couldn’t carry a goddamn tune, let alone a note. Frankly speaking, Pickwick was nothing but a grade A pain in the ass.

When she first got him, he came in a 3 foot iron cage with a cheap blue satin ribbon on the top. “Like a church bell on a steeple, isn’t it Michael?”, she said, her veiny hands pawing the bow. There wasn’t anything church like about it. I looked at him. He cocked his head, made his way to the end of the perch, fixed his beady eyes on mine, and shit on the bottom of the cage. A real cherub Grammie picked, I’ll assure you. She suggested I drive home, and I swear to you I skipped the rest of my way out of that pet store- normally she only let Johnathan drive the Caddie. We get to the car, I sit myself in the front, and she sticks him in the passenger seat. She sidles around to my side of the car and gets in the rear, folding her hands in her lap nice as could be. I laugh. Surely she’s joking, putting that lard in the front while she folds herself into the back. But no. That prince rode shotgun all the way home.

Why did she call him Pickwick? I couldn’t tell you for sure. Think it must’ve been after that book called The Pickwick Papers, by Charles Dakkens or some other ancient. All I know is she walked in, set him down on the windowsill and triumphantly told me, “Michael, I’ve got a name for him”. And the sunavagun was christened Pickwick. Gram and I were always relatively close. Out of all of us, I visited the most. Jonathan was too busy groping girls in the backs of cars, Mom was working over time at the hospital, and Dad’s relationship with Gram went south when she boycotted his wedding on account of it not being held in a Catholic church. So there I was. I came every Sunday after 10 am mass. Dad would dump me in front of her ranch style at 10:26 on the dot and I walked the two miles home about noon or so. I have to tell you, she may have been old but that bat was as sharp as a tack. I’d come in, throw my sport coat over the lavender sofa, maybe finger a donut or two from the plate she’d left on the counter, and she’d start to talk. And boy did she talk. You name a topic and she’d go. Being a stewardess on a plane right out of university. Watching her mother put on lipstick in the mornings as a little girl. The first time she fell in love. The first time she fell out of love. The froth of the beers in Dublin. How to properly saddle a horse. The smell of my grandfather’s pipe. We talked about it all. Or I guess you could say she talked about it. I couldn’t have gotten in a word in even if I tried.

And throughout it all, every 94 minutes we sat together, Pickwick watched the pair of us. You would’ve thought he was God almighty, the way he sat upon his perch, real righteous. Gram said he had a “pious” way about him, whatever the hell that meant. He would ram his head against the bars incessantly, making a real healthy amount of noise. And if you ever tried to admonish the prince, or even motion to get up out of your goddamn chair, she’d lash out at you, tell you to “sit back and sit straight”, and that was the end of that. I swear the bird smiled each time. But yeah, I liked the visits to Gram’s. She let me eat whatever I wanted, didn’t give a rat’s ass if I cursed, and made me feel like I mattered. Then again, maybe that was in my head. Nine times out of ten, we would sit on her sofa, but once in a blue moon we would go out to the garden. She had a porch swing that was real easy to settle into, and we would rock with the slow breeze. I’m no girl, but I can tell you she had the most beautiful roses. Big red ones that looked like they’d burst if you poked them. In fact, I’m almost certain if you had touched them they’da stained your skin straight to the bone. Gram let me bring a bundle home to Mom one time. I put them square in the center of our dining room table and waited for her to say something. She never did. Anyway, no matter where we were, or what we talked about, Gram would have to attend to Pickwick halfway through our time together. Didn’t matter if she was right about to tell me the meaning of life, or what the first pull of a cigarette felt like, the damn bird would win every time. “Michael,” she’d say. “I’ve got to go see about Pickwick.” And up she would get to walk over to his throne on the sill. I never really paid much attention to her when she did leave. She had all these photographs about the room, and I stared at them every time I visited. She might’ve been to every continent for all I know-the pictures sure made it seem so. There she was at the Great Wall, Buckingham Palace, the Taj Mahal, but my favorite was this one she had propped up against the fireplace. It was a real tiny one, maybe about the size of a billfold, black and white. It was taken by a ranch hold when she spent a summer in Wyoming in college, she told me. In the picture she’s leaning against a wooden fence, her back to the camera. You can’t see any of her face, but you can tell she’s pretty. You just know. I can’t say why it’s my favorite, and she laughed at me when I told her as much, but after I stopped talking, she sort of looked at it and sighed, and I knew it was her favorite too.

The one time I didn’t find myself pouring over her photographs I watched her go over to Pickwick. She let her fingers graze the blue ribbon gently, and then she peered through the bars with such love and veneration I had to rub my eyes to make sure she was still looking at Pickwick and not Jesus incarnate. The adoration she had for that goddamn bird was truly religious. Which was why I should have known better than to ask her one Sunday afternoon to let him out of his cage. She turned on me with such wrath that I reckoned she’d knock the pictures clean off the walls. “Let him out of the cage? Risk that he may escape or be injured? You’re really plain reckless, Michael,” and I’ll tell you I never asked again, no sir. The goddamn prince would remain untouchable. And so he did for about a year of Sundays before it happened. I say “it” because I still don’t know what it was. Like that one time she was babbling away about her first ride on the train, and then she’d said, “Now Michael, aren’t you hungry?”, and I’d said, “I suppose Gram” and she whipped up something in a few minutes flat and we’d sat back down. So, I’d said. So what? She’d replied, hands smoothing her pant leg. She’d plain forget that she had been telling a story in the first place. Or that other time, we’d just sat down to talk, and she looked at her gold wrist watch and said something like, Oh Michael, I didn’t mean to keep you here so long. You ought to get back to your family- fifteen minutes had gone by. I didn’t think nothing of it at first. So maybe a couple of her screws were coming loose. She had to be 70 or so after all. These sorta things happen. Right? Until it started happening not occasionally, but every time. She didn’t want to talk about her trips anymore, or about the men who had fallen in love with her. We stopped going outside altogether; I remember the last visit I saw the roses alive. She couldn’t laugh about her old friends anymore because she had forgotten their names, and she didn’t tell me to sit straight anymore. She didn’t care. The second to last Sunday before it won we were sitting at the table eating breakfast. It was the first time she had prepared a proper meal for me in God knows when, and I almost thought things were normal. It was scrambled eggs and bacon, peppered. She sat across from me and smiled as I bit into my eggs. I smiled back, until I felt them splintering my gums. The eggs were full of shells. “Everything alright, Michael?” and I said yes but nothing was alright. I turned to look at the fireplace, looking for the picture of her leaning up against the fence. My favorite. The one where you couldn’t see her face. And all of a sudden I didn’t like it at all. Bile rose in my throat and I grabbed my sport coat from the table, stumbling like a drunk to the foyer. She called after me but it was no better than talking to the wind. I opened the door and ran and ran and ran and ran. Pickwick watched me from the sill.

I didn’t go back to Gram’s for two months of Sundays after that. The first Sunday I told Dad I didn’t want to go, he asked Why. Because she made me eggs with shells in them. Because she doesn’t remember what it’s like to be in love anymore. Because she wouldn’t understand about how I used to believe the roses would stain my hands. Because I want to know the face of the girl leaning against the fence but now I know I never will. I told Dad she was just getting boring. And that was that. I can’t tell you how many times I walked the two miles back to her house at nights. I would stand outside her door and look at the distorted reflection of the moon on the hood of the Cadillac. Listen for the groan of the porch swing. Pretend that I could still smell the roses. I came close to knocking some nights, truly. But then I thought of Pickwick, below the blue ribbon, and how the knocking might encourage the sunavabitch to bash his head against the cage, so I never did. Goddamn prince that bird was. I was moping around a hell of a lot, and I figured I ought to try finding a“silver lining”, or whatever optimistic bullshit it is that Mom fed her patients at the hospital. I found Jonathan out in the garage with a girl of his some Thursday night and decided to tell them about Gram and her stories. I thought Jonathan would get a kick out of Pickwick especially. I told them the best stories I could remember, and afterwards all he said was, “Cute Michael”, and he and the girl were gone. I couldn’t carry on like that anymore, like Gram was some kind of character in a cheap paperback you read that you like but you end up tossing under the bed anyway. So on the first Sunday of August after 10 am mass, I told Dad to take me to Gram’s. He didn’t question it. He was never a man to give much but at least he offered me that courtesy. I walked up the pathway, the fumes of the station wagon on my tongue. I knew things wouldn’t be the same, how could they be? But I needed the stories. I needed the routine. Maybe I needed her. I knocked and heard shuffling to the door. She greeted me wearing a bathrobe the color of a November sky. “Michael”, she said, and I went in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I don’t think she did either. She led me to the couch, and we sidled up next to one another like nothing had transpired, like the egg shells were never really there. She actually let me talk, and the more I started talking, the more I felt the evenness of her gaze, the better I felt. Things are okay again. I could even stomach looking at the picture. Until I noticed. Pickwick was gone. The cage sat empty on the sill, and the ribbon lay limply between the bars. But he was gone. No prince on the throne. “Gram,” I said, and my breath hitched in my throat and stupid hot tears were on my lips. “Where is he?” Where was Pickwick- the goddamn bird that sat shot gun. The bird that bashed its head against the bars. The bird that couldn’t sing, that never flew. The bird that was the one tie left to Gram.

“Where is he?”

“Where is who, Michael?”

“Where’s Pickwick?”

Who is Pickwick, she said.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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To The Girl Struggling With Her Body Image

It's not about the size of your jeans, but the size of your heart, soul, and spirit.


To the girl struggling with her body image,

You are more than the number on the scale. You are more than the number on your jeans and dresses. You are way more than the number of pounds you've gained or lost in whatever amount of time.

Weight is defined as the quantity of matter contained by a body or object. Weight does not define your self-worth, ambition or potential.

So many girls strive for validation through the various numbers associated with body image and it's really so sad seeing such beautiful, incredible women become discouraged over a few numbers that don't measure anything of true significance.

Yes, it is important to live a healthy lifestyle. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself. However, taking care of yourself includes your mental health as well. Neglecting either your mental or physical health will inflict problems on the other. It's very easy to get caught up in the idea that you're too heavy or too thin, which results in you possibly mistreating your body in some way.

Your body is your special, beautiful temple. It harbors all of your thoughts, feelings, characteristics, and ideas. Without it, you wouldn't be you. If you so wish to change it in a healthy way, then, by all means, go ahead. With that being said, don't make changes to impress or please someone else. You are the only person who is in charge of your body. No one else has the right to tell you whether or not your body is good enough. If you don't satisfy their standards, then you don't need that sort of negative influence in your life. That sort of manipulation and control is extremely unhealthy in its own regard.

Do not hold back on things you love or want to do because of how you interpret your body. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are more than your exterior. You are your inner being, your spirit. A smile and confidence are the most beautiful things you can wear.

It's not about the size of your jeans. It's about the size of your mind and heart. Embrace your body, observe and adore every curve, bone and stretch mark. Wear what makes you feel happy and comfortable in your own skin. Do your hair and makeup (or don't do either) to your heart's desire. Wear the crop top you've been eyeing up in that store window. Want a bikini body? Put a bikini on your body, simple.

So, as hard as it may seem sometimes, understand that the number on the scale doesn't measure the amount or significance of your contributions to this world. Just because that dress doesn't fit you like you had hoped doesn't mean that you're any less of a person.

Love your body, and your body will love you right back.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Margliotti

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Kit Kat On A Rainy Day

My grandpa went missing one rainy afternoon, but what happened later is very heartwarming!


It was a rainy afternoon in the middle of October. The road was covered in an almost invisible film of water, and mud seeped through the cracks of the sidewalk. The wind blew at a harsh and firm angle. The temperature was sharp and bitter. I was in 10th grade at the time and had just gotten back to school. I sat at my desk upstairs with my legs comfortably nuzzled against my chest. I admired the lavender fuzzy socks on my feet while very blatantly ignoring my homework and other responsibilities. I gently sipped warm apple cider, carefully making sure that it wouldn't burn my tongue whilst scrolling through my phone. This rainy afternoon in the middle of October was seemingly very normal.

I eventually picked up a pencil and reluctantly began my homework, but was very quickly distracted by the sounds of panicked yelling coming from downstairs. I quickly made my way to the scene so that I could figure out what was going on. My mom and grandma were in the kitchen crying and screaming. My grandma sounded agitated and afraid. My mom was barely able to make out coherent sentences as she scrambled to find my dad's contact in her phone. I shuddered and felt completely frozen when I was finally able to understand what was going on.

My 85-year-old grandpa who also has Alzheimer's was missing from our home. My stream of consciousness was abruptly interrupted as I heard the door leading to our garage slam shut. My mom was going to drive around our neighborhood to look for my grandpa, as he realistically could not have made it that far. I went back upstairs and sunk into my chair. My eyes were wide and I could hear my heart beating outside of my chest. I trembled and cried. These are the kinds of horrible and unfortunate stories that you read about or watch in the news. You never expect it to happen to a loved one. The gravity of the situation is heavy. It's a very obscure and different kind of pain, one that cannot be justified with words.

The next thirty or so minutes were a blur. I was not aware of how much time had passed, but I do remember hearing the slow creak of the garage open. I did not get up and I did not run down the stairs. Instead, I sat there. I sat firmly in my chair, numb and completely frozen. From where I was, everything was temporarily easier. The pain of sitting at my desk was less scathing than confronting whatever was waiting downstairs. And then, all of a sudden, I heard very slow and uneven steps coming up the stairs, accompanied by heavy breathing. It was my grandpa.

There he was, standing about three feet in front of me. I examined him, head-to-toe. He was soaked and there were remnants of mud on his pants and shoes. His glasses were covered in intricate droplets of water, and his light grey hair was disheveled. But that is not what stood out to me. What made me want to cry even more was the smile on his face that was beaming with love, as his eyes met mine. He steadily walked towards me, put his hand in his pocket, and I watched his fragile hands shake as he pulled out a Kit Kat bar.

"For you!" He said with a little laugh.

- - -

My mom had found my grandpa in a Walgreens right outside our neighborhood. To this day I still don't know how he got there, and I do not care to know the exact fundamentals of how he got from point A to point B. This is a man whose life and memories have been unfairly taken from him. This is a man who can barely make out a sentence in either Hindi or English. This is a man who, to this very day, cannot remember my name or who I am. However, what this disease has failed to do is strip him of his innate kindness. His mind might be impaired but his ability to love is immortal and unbreakable.

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