You never really know that feeling until you're hit with it, whether or not it's the fear of the unknown, an even greater fear of failure or just an accumulation of everything horrible that's ever happened to you that has led up to this moment right here.
That feeling I'm talking about doesn't even have a word, or it does and I don't know what it is but what I do know is this: all that bullsh*t I've written about until now doesn't mean anything when this feeling creeps up on me in the middle of the day, about to swipe my ID card to get on the bus back downtown.
I'm not sure if I'm suddenly feeling like this because of the daily reminders of how everyone around me is excelling and I'm somehow holding myself back.
The daily reminders of my close friends and not so close acquaintances getting their back-to-back acceptances to a handful of graduate schools, early acceptances to jobs starting in June and even a mix of the two. It's not to say that I'm not happy for these people because I am, I really am. Really. It's the simple confusion of, yet again, not feeling good enough and lacking what everyone else seems to not and I genuinely don't understand how much more I can try and try and try again at something that's just resulting in the constant fallen efforts.
I mean, how many more times can I apply to volunteer at the same three hospitals in this small town to gain the experience everyone's asking me to already have? How many more pre-requisites does a student on the PA path need to finally to be good enough to even apply to a bottom tier school? The answers to these questions truly seem to have no answers and maybe that's why I was suddenly hit with such an empty wave of emotions that held too much stress and loneliness for one person to bear.
You may be waiting for words of wisdom and guidance after what I just expressed but there will be none of those things in this article containing 500 words or less.
What I can say for sure is this: at this certain time of my life, I don't quite have the words to guide anyone or any lights of wisdom to bestow onto anybody when I suddenly don't know what comes next, let alone figuring out what to possibly be doing next. In 500 words or less, I will say this: it'll take more than the cliche sayings of "everything happens for a reason" and "trust your God's plan" because for the past 22 years or so, that's exactly what I've been doing, hard work and determination included.
Having said this, I truly don't know what the next plan of action is after this but I am hoping and praying it's something good and that "something good" is visible on the horizon soon.