When I first came to UVA, I honestly had no intention of becoming invested into a fellowship. Although I am a Christ follower and an every-Sunday church-goer, I simply wanted to join a fellowship group just to say that I was continuing to make an effort to grow my faith. In essence, it was just to make myself feel better. After undergoing a rough patch through my four years in high school, my faith was shaky, unstable, and simply broken.
I found myself wanting to fit into a community that was the polar opposite of the one I was raised in. Throughout the first two months of my fall semester, I found myself basically living two different lives: one in which I practiced faith with my fellowship and one in which I defied everything I had "prayed" so fervently about the night before. I tried so hard to lead these lives separately before I soon realized that every individual is only given one life to live, and you can only live it in one way.
My fellowship in the fall semester, Chi Alpha, was full of the most wonderful people. From my corgi-loving core group leader to my very first friends at the University, I was finally able to take the first baby steps into recognizing myself and who I really wanted to become. Attending my first retreat in four years allowed me to take a deep breath and embrace the difficult road that college was becoming.
When the fall semester came to a close, I found myself fully invested within Chi Alpha. I attended as many events as I could, hung out with my core group on a daily basis, and thought that I had finally found a community that I could look to for the remaining years I had at U.Va. and beyond. I held pride that I was one of "those Asian girls" with a predominantly white friend group and found myself giving a pat on my own back for a job well done.
However, after winter break, I began to realize how warped of a state my mind was in. I prided myself in so many of the wrong things and basically used my core group to justify them. I found myself uncomfortable, not able to understand the hardships my fellow sisters were going through, unable to provide the right comforting words and condolences. I found myself feeling lonely, as if no one really understood me as well. I began to have feelings of confusion, as if I had taken a step back and the path before me disappeared.
This was when a friend, who I met the first week of first semester, reached out to me. She invited me to her small group meeting within a different fellowship, Grace Christian Fellowship (GCF). At first, I was a little skeptical. I didn't know what to expect and it was so late in the year. I was afraid of not understanding any inside jokes that had already been established and feeling like the odd one out.
I remember going to small group and feeling simply comfortable. It was a new perspective with different people who share different opinions and beliefs. I found myself wanting to become involved within the fellowship. I ended up joining a small group within GCF. My Chi Alpha core group was 14 girls. However, my GCF small group was made up of six girls, including myself.
Throughout this past semester, those five other girls helped me grow beyond measure. If I had a bad week and just needed to cry, I had no shame in doing so. If I just needed a listening ear, I had so many to choose from. Within this community, I felt comfortable, loved, and most of all, I felt my heart opening up. My small group was the most crucial part of my second semester. I learned that it was okay not to be okay. Throughout each week of small group, I was able to share a little bit more about myself, truthfully.
As I immersed myself more into the GCF community, I found myself smiling a genuine smile and laughing a genuine laugh. Through sharing testimonies with people in and out of the fellowship to trying to get through Bible readings together as a small group, I've become involved in this faith-driven community that I can only see myself growing in.
Prayer started becoming a daily ritual and opening up my Bible became another thing to do before bed. But it wasn't as if these tasks were mandatory—I wanted to do them. I learned to appreciate my family more and more through GCF. Whether it is the fact that I call my parents every day (no shame) or the fact that I've been able to be comfortably truthful with them in all aspects, I can only feel our bond becoming stronger despite the long distance.
Sometimes, people ask me if I wish I started GCF earlier, or if I had known about GCF before, if I would have just joined in the fall. Perhaps a month ago I would have said "yes." But now, I can confidently say that I would not have had gone through my first year any other way.
Chi Alpha holds a special place in my heart. I loved the people and their faith-driven mindsets. However, I felt that I couldn't make a contribution that was truthful. I felt that what came out of my mouth wasn't always what was on my mind. However, I can only say "thank you" for really bringing me back on the path of faith. Thinking of how broken I was coming out of high school made me realize how important the steps I made my first semester meant to me.
It's been a long year, with many trials and tribulations, but I feel so lucky to be where I am now. Thank you to Chi Alpha for bringing me back onto the path of faith. Thank you to GCF for encouraging me to continue that path of faith. Thank you to my small group for extending that hand and pulling me up when I fall down.
Truly, God has blessed me with love beyond measure with the people I've encountered, the mindset He has given me, and most of all, with His everlasting presence in my life.
