Most self-help books, as any reader of self-help books can tell you, don’t work. That’s probably a big part of why these individuals keep buying self-help books. One of their major flaws is in their absolutely incredible ability to beat around the bush, expanding ideas across hundreds of pages that would have been better presented in just a few paragraphs. So, without further ado, here are those general principles condensed into a palatable form (or the things I’ll scream at my younger self once Skynet makes time travel a reality):
1. Chip away at your inhibitions.
There are two different ideas I tend to see surrounding mental inhibitions like self-consciousness and social anxiety that very much oversimplify things. The first is that these barriers can just be switched off, and that the only thing preventing you from putting yourself out there or talking to that person is that you’re simply “not being yourself," or the equally meaningless “thinking too hard about it." On the other end of the spectrum are the defeatists, the individuals that tell themselves that their social consciousness is a fundamental part of their personality and that they’ll never get over it.
Reality lies somewhere between these two views; it’s not an instant process, but you’ll become as unreserved as you want to be if you’re willing to put in the practice, no matter who you are. So what does that mean? Talking to strangers is a great start. Whether you’re in the supermarket checkout aisle, standing in the elevator with someone you’ve only vaguely seen in passing on campus, or starting a new class, push yourself to ask a question, comment on something that’s going on, or throw off a quick complement. In the worst case scenario, someone thinks you’re weird, life goes on, and you’ll realize that it didn’t matter whatsoever. Most likely you’ll get a quick back and forth of small talk, but if you turn this into a habit, some of these encounters will blossom into meaningful conversations and chances at permanent friendships.
As time goes on, make more and more of an effort to repress that voice in your head trying to keep you in your comfort zone. Ever been in a class where a professor asks a question, and the room is dead silent? Speak up, even if you think there’s a good chance you’re wrong. Take a hold of that inner voice, and throttle it into submission. Does that club or activity with a closely knit group that you’re not part of look interesting? Try it out anyways. The further along this path you travel, the easier it will become to keep on moving, and the occasional embarrassments you suffer through will start to matter less and less.
2. Stop and smell the flowers.
The joys of life are mostly found in details. Life-changing adventures like whitewater rafting, concerts, or peyote-fueled campfire dances only make up a small part of it. Remind yourself to zone out once in awhile, and listen to the sound of birds chirping, or the breeze in your hair. Spend at least a small amount of time each day deviating from your set of responsibilities, or whatever your particular source of instant gratification may be.
What I’m advocating for here isn’t necessarily meditation, or the somewhat poorly defined new age virtue of “mindfulness," but a willingness to go out of your way to appreciate the things you might not have taken notice of beforehand. Go outside, reconnect with family or an old friend, read articles from places or perspectives that deviate from your own (which probably means venturing off of your Facebook feed), and watch a squirrel or smell a flower here and there.
3. Listen.
It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised. Next time you’re in a group conversation, take a quick pause and ask yourself “Is there any actual discourse going on here, or is each speaker just continuing to move back to their own experience?” Here’s an example: when your friend tells you about their exciting new accomplishment, or summer internship at that new startup in Seattle, is your response “Cool, I went to Seattle once!” Or is it “Cool, what will you be doing there?” Conversation along the lines of the second response is the product of listening to your friend, while the first is not.
The distinction between the two can be blurry at times, but a dialogue between people who listen to each other will almost always end up being more meaningful and has the added benefit of getting people to like you. Everybody loves to hear about themselves. You can switch the topic once the conversation starts to stagnate, just make an effort to avoid the situation where you and your peers are all monologuing at each other in a smorgasbord of unrelated ideas.
