Everyone wants happiness, I think that’s the purpose of everyone’s life really: “The pursuit of happiness.” When you can’t find happiness it’s miserable. It’s like something is missing in your mind, body, and soul. You go around searching for something that you don’t have the energy to look for, but you need more than anything to find it.
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to finding happiness, people find it in so many different ways. But when you have depression it feels like every way is the wrong way. I know what depression is like, it’s a constant battle. And when all you want is to be happy it’s the most exhausting thing. Things that once used to bring so much joy and comfort to you, now have no effect on you. Your bed is the most welcoming place because you don’t have to face the world, you don’t have to pretend you are happy. You don’t have to pretend you are anything in fact. You can hide away in the dark and pretend that nothing else outside your bedroom exists.
People understanding what it’s like is one of the hardest parts. Your friends want you to participate in things, and maybe you want to too, but you just can’t find the energy to do it. You can’t find it in you to bring yourself together for a few mere hours. Your friends want to help you out when you tell them “you just can’t make it” for the millionth time, but the worst part is you don’t even know how to help yourself.
That’s when you start attacking yourself. The voices in your head get louder telling you that you have to be happy or you are going to lose everyone and everything. Then you start panicking and you just feel like you are drowning. You want more than anything to make it to the surface of this dark deep ocean but you can’t find the strength in you to fight. You feel so overwhelmed and overcome by the whole world around you that you just want to give up.
You are not alone in this. I can’t take your pain away nor can I quiet those voices in your head. All I can guarantee you is you will never be alone, and as long as you keep fighting with every ounce of your being, no matter how difficult, you will make it through this! Ignore the voices in your head telling you otherwise. “Promise me you’ll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – A.A. Milne
