It is almost impossible for me to try to remember a day that I didn’t push myself beyond my mental limitations to make sure everything was "just so."
Being a perfectionist, I am always in a state of thought. Most people see me as put together and a great advocate of common sense, but those closest to me know that is far from the truth. Being a perfectionist is an emotional roller-coaster that you can’t get off. If you are not in the active state of perfecting something physically, you are organizing, planning and creating something mentally. From dinner plans to classwork, there is nothing I don’t take seriously, which has become one of my greatest flaws.
The hardest thing about being a perfectionist is disappointing those closest to you. For me, the need for cleanliness is my greatest obstacle to overcome. Every day, when I wake up, I notice something that needs to be cleaned, from the dust on the top of a doorway to the fact that the carpet doesn't have lines on it anymore from when I vacuumed it less than 48 hours ago. So, I do it again just to make myself feel better. Does it need to be vacuumed again? Probably not. But the fact of the matter is that I will not be able to function at full capacity until I know it is done. I will drop everything, from family to friends to homework, just to make sure the carpet has lines on it again.
When my best friends moved away to improve their futures, I got worse. I could no longer focus on what was important and withdrew from everyone who was still near me and by my side. This summer was one of the loneliest times in my life thus far. I lost my sense of self-worth and self-love. Since then I have gained more pounds than I care to weigh (I threw my scale away) and find myself crying for no particular reason while shampooing my hair some nights. I got to the point this summer where I would get off work and just start throwing things away or bag up items to take to Goodwill. My house is spotless, but my heart is still empty.
Four out of five times when my friends come to my apartment, I am cleaning something or just got done cleaning. They know how I am and that if I don’t clean what I need to, I will be out of whack. This makes me feel like a terrible person, an unworthy friend and is probably a large contributor as to why I don’t have much of a social life beyond going to class two evenings a week or sitting near my coworkers 40 hours a week in my spotless cubicle.
Outside of the standards I have set for myself, I also demand a sort of perfection from other people that is nearly impossible to obtain. No, I am not saying I want my friends and family to look a certain way, but that I expect their behavior to match my predictions and emotional expectations, and when they do not, I react in a way which is usually out-of-the-ordinary and, for lack of better words, just plain mean. People play it off as, "That's just Sarah," or "She has a strong personality," but it is something that I want and wish to fix for myself, my friends and my family.
Most people view perfectionism as a positive trait. In my experience, it is detrimental and consuming. I have experienced more breakdowns over a smelly house or a few extra pounds than anyone cares to consider. According to the American Psychological Association, "socially prescribed perfectionism – believing that others will value you only if you are perfect – has been associated with depression and other problems, including suicide."
The only cure I have found for this curse is being outside of my home with people I love. If you know someone like me, please reach out to them when it seems they are on a downhill slope. Knowing that someone understands and cares is the most healing feeling people like me may experience.
