There is no gray area in your life— you thrive in the black and white and refuse to even acknowledge the gray. You beat yourself up over the stupid things that no one else thinks about. You don't care about the journey, just the end goal. If something doesn't go the way you planned, it's a failure. You're all or nothing. You're your harshest critic in every part of life. You tend to judge others because they also don't measure up to your idea of perfect. You're hyperaware of how other people view you (or how you think they do).
Ring a bell?
In job interviews, people ask what your best strength is, and most say, "I'm a perfectionist."
When they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I say, "I'm a perfectionist."
That's the difference between society's idea of perfectionism and the true meaning of perfectionism. Because it's not a strength, it's not even a weakness— it's a disease. And even worse than that, it's an invisible one.
Sure, being a perfectionist is great when it comes to school or work or anything of the sort; it makes you work harder because you want that A or that promotion. But true perfectionism lies below the surface where it's easily hidden. People think you have your life together because you're always organized or because you're exceeding in school or at work, but the opposite is true because of the same reason that leads people to believe that lie.
You're a perfectionist to the core.
Nothing is ever good enough. That A- should have been an A. That little layer of fat around your stomach shouldn't be there. Your hair should be straighter. Your skin should be smoother and your teeth whiter. You shouldn't be that emotional because it ruins relationships, just like you shouldn't be that closed off because you'll never have relationships. You shouldn't have done that because you knew it was wrong but you did it anyway. How were you that stupid?
How are you that stupid?
You're shouldering yourself, putting all of the blame on yourself because "you should've known better— you should be better." And now you feel this overwhelming sense of heaviness that won't lighten no matter how hard you try to make it go away. Shame— this feeling is shame, and it all stems from your perfectionism.
But it's not just the perfectionism that tears you up from the inside out, it's the anxiety it brings about every single thing you have ever done and ever will do, it's the depression it brings that tells you that you're never good enough, it's the OCD it brings because everything must be flawless, it's the problems like eating disorders it brings because you'll never be skinny enough to please society.
So not only are you a perfectionist, you have all of these issues that pile higher and higher that you have to pretend don't exist, because why? You're a perfectionist, which requires you to put on this facade of a perfect life, which in turn makes all of these issues worse.
It's a vicious cycle that fills you with an overwhelming amount of self-loathing.
It's a disease.
