This past week I've finally understood that perfection can not be a reality. I don't know why it took me so long to realize, but it's been such a recurring theme this semester and I'm finally beginning to understand.
Everyone has those "hell weeks" as we like to call them. For some people it is during finals week or midterm season. For others, it happens to be random weeks in the semester when all the papers and exams and activities all line up and make for a week of lost sleep, plenty of stress, and long days.
For me, that week happened last week. In fact, this entire semester felt like it had been building up to that week. For some reason, this semester, I decided I wanted a perfect GPA, all A's, to win nationals again like last year, be a leader in all my extracurriculurs, have more time to hang out with friends and be super organized and put-together. Obviously, it didn't happen. Then, last week, I was missing half of the week to go to nationals with the tennis team and had to move 3 exams around. The night before leaving for nationals, I was also preparing for an exam that I had been stressing about since the start of the semester.
It was a normal late night and around midnight, I had finished all my notecards and was going to continue reviewing my lab notes. I felt fine and was ready to go for another 2 hours atleast before crashing for the night--2 AM is a typical night for me. Then, I was going to wake up super early and review everything again. I'd been living on caffeine, 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and cold medicine (from the lack of sleep and high stress) most of the week. However, nothing went as neatly as I wanted. Around midnight, I was transitioning to study again after a quick break and everything fell apart.
Something in my head told me I couldn't do it--be ready for the exam, that is. Something in my head clicked and turned on every anxious nerve in my body and every possible worry. All of a sudden my mental state completely switched off from calm and collected and was drowned out by doubts and fear.
How was I going to take this exam tomorrow? Why didn't I know anything on my notecards and how could I get help on the lab this late at night? Why isn't this cold medicine working and I still feel like shit? I didn't even pack for nationals yet, when will I have time to do so? I'm so out of shape, how will I make it through the next 3 days of the national tournament? Why doesn't my hard work feel like it is paying off? How can I deal with one more bad grade?
Why does the room feel like it's closing in on me?
Long story short, I had my moment and ended up calling it quits for the night. I realized that evening that my breaking down was not a result of my stress about the exam--I knew enough to get by with a solid grade and I knew that. It was a matter of all the stress over the semester piling up and finally releasing it's effects.
I realized I was tired of trying to be perfect. I was tired of telling myself my grades weren't good enough and I was tired of getting back exams and papers and always looking at the grade and immediately thinking, "I should've done better". I was tired of being drained every day from tennis, to work, to classes, to studying. I was especially tired of myself.
It was myself that created the stress I had up to this point in the semester. At the start of the year, I created a lot of goals for myself like better grades, better social life, and a better overall management of time. The downside to creating goals is that sometimes they become unrealistic or they become weights on your back because if you are never able to "complete" these goals, it's a way of telling yourself you failed--as if stressed college students need more ways to do so.
Everyone gets stressed and everyone gets those dark nights where they just aren't OK. My point in writing this is to explain to others like me that it is ok to not be OK. When I called my friend that night to calm down from the panic, I tried saying "it's all good" but what I remember is her replying with, "It doesn't always have to be all good". That's exactly it. Things won't always be "all good" and especially as college students, we will have nights consisting of breakdowns. That doesn't mean we're weak. It means we're human and it means we will get through it despite the pressure and despite our own expectations so it's okay to lapse once in a while. I promise.
