The following piece is satire.
Last night’s state elections yielded an outcome so surprising that it has begun receiving worldwide attention. The victor, Jerome McDaniels, appeared to be flawless in every single way.
Political pundits were baffled. “I kept waiting for a reporter to bring up a questionable event in his background,” said Shelly Anne Tomway, “but every time somebody mentioned his past, it was only to direct praise at him. You’re telling me this guy had a quiet twenties? He never got detention in high school for chewing gum? Nothing?” Several other reporters echoed Tomway's sentiments, grumbling about how hard it is to twist Mr. McDaniels into a villain when there is no gossip about him to be found.
Mr. McDaniels was a late entry to the race this year. Many people had never even heard of him, but his fiery speeches and ingenuitive campaign pledges began to delight both liberals and conservatives alike.
“It’s like he knew exactly what I wanted,” exclaimed longtime Republican voter Ned Flights. “I’ve never found myself agreeing with any candidate so strongly before. I figured that would mean the liberals would hate him, but they loved him too.”
Indeed, Mr. McDaniels has already been credited with relieving a lot of political tension. Reports are coming in of liberals and conservative skipping down the street together, arms linked in union. “Suddenly,” began comedian Oliver Johnson, “I just didn’t care about immigration, taxes, or healthcare anymore. Jerome had solutions for all. Next thing I knew, I was ditching my planned late night comedy routine. I just couldn’t make fun of his flaws, because there weren’t any.”
Mr. McDaniel’s outward pureness did not dissuade several people from digging deeper, trying to find anything they could to discredit him. After weeks of searching, one man finally got lucky. “McDaniels is a fraud,” he confidently stated. “I know for a fact now that he likes to put his milk into his bowl before the cereal. Honestly, I think this information could ruin his career.”
The cereal scandal did lead to several activist groups to demand that Mr. McDaniels drop out of the race, but he remained strong and steadfast in his resolve.
“I’m doing this for the people,” McDaniels stated in a press conference right before the election. “I’ve already had many businesses come up to me and offer to fill my pockets in exchange for adjustments to laws they don’t like. I turned them all down. I’m not here for money or fame, I’m here to make this state a better place.”
Many analysts suspected that McDaniel’s press conference secured the election for him. Voters were beside themselves with the news that they could actually vote for someone that wasn’t bought off. “I thought a clean politician was a myth,” said pop star Wiley Cyprus.
Jerome McDaniels will be stepping into office at a crucial time for the state. Fortunately, he already has a lot of backing, and his popularity numbers are growing with each passing day. He hopes that by the end of his first fiscal year, the state government will have approved his motions to reform healthcare, end poverty and cure cancer. Until then, he assure the public that they are all in safe hands. “If my election can go through without an accusation of rigging the vote or gerrymandering," he asked, "then why can't my actual term be just as good?" The true nature of his personality and decisions remain yet to be seen, but thus far people have only liked what they saw.
