During my short span of life I have had a lot of "friends" come and go.

Growing up I was always somewhat of the odd duck, never quite like the rest. In turn, I didn't have a ton of friends nor was I ever one of the "popular" crowd.

I had a few close friends throughout high school. Then a couple more in college. And then finally when the real world came crashing down around me, I had a few more.

None have ever been the same person, and I have never been lucky enough to find that life-long best friend. Just ones that come and go.

Of all of the friends I have had, four have left a lasting impact on my life.

I know the reoccurring factor in all the scenarios has been me. So obviously I am not innocent here, I'm part of the problem. I know I am.

For that, I am truly sorry. Because to each one there wasn't a thing I wouldn't have done, it's just how and who I am.

I can't account for the other half of the story either, only mine and what I have to say, only what I felt. I can only write the words I left unsaid, the ones I could never exactly get just right to say aloud. The feelings I was never able to express because it doesn't come naturally for me, the ones left unsaid because I was afraid of what the reaction would have been if they knew just how I felt and how much of an impact it had.

People say that writing out what you want to say, but never got to, helps find closure. That it helps to ease the heart and heal wounds.

So here it goes,

-

Dear Used-To-Be Best Friend,

I don't know if you still think about how our friendship used to be, about all the fun times we had just being our crazy silly selves. I don't know if you still think about the long talks, the inside jokes, or all tears we cried together...but I do. I honestly hope that you are doing amazing and that life is treating you well. I miss you at times and wish things had turned out differently.

I get a little jealous and a little bit hurt when I happen upon a picture of you and your friends now. That used to be us, is supposed to be us, at least in my world it is.

The only thing I've wanted my entire life was a true best friend. Someone to always be there for me no matter what I was going though in life. Someone who would drop everything and fly across the country if need be, I've longed for that type of friend. Because that exactly what I would have done for you, would still do.

Part of our failed friendship is in fact my fault. I had an expectation in my head of what my perfect friendship would look like, how we would act, and what we wether together. I had expectations and expected you to fill them instead of accepting our friendship as it was. That is my fault, and I am sorry for it. Things never turn out the way we want them to when we go into it with expectations, I know that now.

I'm sorry our friendship didn't work out, although in the grand scheme of things it never truly was up to us, someone else had it planned long before we thought of it.

I think mostly we just drifted apart because life happened, but I will have to be honest with you, it was somewhat intentional on my part. You see, rejection has been my deepest fear my entire life, in part because there has always been a part of me people have rejected.

Or so it has felt anyway.

And it wasn't something I realized until recently, but it is something that has affected almost every area of my life thus far, including our friendship.

See whenever I felt like I needed someone to talk to or be there and you weren't, I pulled away a little more. It felt like you were rejecting a part of me and I couldn't handle it. It made me want to run and hide and save myself from any more heartache, except it usually caused more heartache than it saved me from. Ironic isn't it?

It may sound silly to you, but it was very real for me. It was and is a very real fear that I still deal with. I just understand it a bit more now that some time has gone by.

Wether it was warranted or not, I never truly felt like you were there for me as I was or would have been for you. It felt like a pick or choose kind of thing, sometimes you were there and others you weren't depending what was important to you at the time. And that hurt, every time it happened it was like a knife of rejection slicing another tiny little slit in my heart.

Dramatic, maybe, but you see feelings don't always have to make sense. In fact, most often they don't make sense at all, we don't truly have control over how we feel.

Part of me is angry at you for not trying harder to salvage our friendship, for not caring enough to work through the rough times and then again the other part is angry with myself for not trying harder to do the same

I'll text you every now and then to say I hope everything is going well, it's my feeble attempt to try and restart our friendship but I don't know as we can be friends like before.

To much has changed, at least in my world it has.

I don't know as we'd even know where to begin, I don't know if you even want to try or if you are perfectly happy with how our friendship died off and ended. But some of those memories are the best memories I have, and I wouldn't change them for anything,

I realize that I'm not perfect, that I will never be nor do I ever want to be.

And I hope you don't take this letter the wrong way for it was only meant to get things off my chest that I have yet to truly accept.

I do accept my part in our friendship failing.

And I pray that your life is turning out just as you had hoped It would. That it is full of love and laughter, full of happy days and moments that steal your breath away. I hope it is your fairytale come to life and that you are enjoying every moment of every day and taking nothing for granted.

Because no matter how our friendship ended, I will always have a place for you in my heart. Every now and then I am going to miss how things used to be and wish they had turned out differently. But they didn't, and I accept that now.

All My Love,

Cassie Ann

-

And that's all I have left, a few feelings of hurt and abandonment that I'm still working though. I'm not ashamed of how I felt or what I felt, just sad I lost a friendship.

But sometimes that's just how it goes. Some people aren't meant to stay around forever, just for a season and when that season is over they leave with the wind just as fast as they came in. But they always teach us something, as long as we are willing to learn.

XOXO

~Cassie Ann