For those who are headed off to college next year, you might already be nervous and asking yourself some big questions, ‘What’s laundry?”, “How does one college?”, “How am I going to make friends?” and most importantly, “How can I subtly let my classmates know that I’m super cool without trying too hard?” While I can’t help you with laundry (honestly I’m still learning myself), I got you covered for the seeming cool without trying hard.
The key is to make it seem like you don’t care about anything.
This is of the utmost importance. For some reason, not caring has been cool since the dawn of middle-schools everywhere. To do this you must:
1. Show up late.
Showing up to class on-time is so 2013. All your peers need to know that you couldn’t drag yourself out of bed 5 minutes earlier and now you don’t care if you interrupt the class. Bonus points if you show up to a lecture late, walk all the way to the front, and then climb over people sitting on the edges to get a middle seat, (everyone will love you for doing this).
2. Never take notes in class.
You can’t let other students see you sweat. Just remember, you’re too cool to take notes. If you happen to be an aspiring cool person who needs to take notes to do well in school, just remember what your priorities are (cough cough being cool cough).
3. Eat in class.
This will make your peers think that you’re so cool and so busy that the only time you have to eat is in class. More bonus points if you eat very loudly and obnoxiously. People around you will love that.
4. Make sure your phone is always out in class.
If you’re not scrolling through The Odyssey and reading funny articles, the go-to app here is Facebook. Why should you be paying attention in math class when you can be watching cute pug videos or learning how to make pizza grilled cheese from one of those Buzzfeed Food videos (that you have no idea how it ended up in your newsfeed)? If you’re really looking to make an impression on your peers, go on Tinder and swipe left on everyone so that the people around you know you have high expectations and that they’ll have to work hard to impress someone as cool as you.
If you have a problem set due in class, make sure to show up 15 minutes late to class with only your homework. Don’t even bring a backpack or pencil. Turn the homework in and sit down. Then, pretend to receive a phone call (even if no one else hears the phone ring). The phone call you’ve “received” this Wednesday at 12:30 pm turns out to be so important that you have to leave math class after you just arrived. Finally, after you’ve exited the class, stand right in front of the door and immediately put your phone down. Make sure to show everyone through the window that you weren’t actually on a call and how proud of yourself you are for coming up with such a clever way to leave class instead of just leaving. I have to be honest. I didn’t come up with this strategy on my own. I watched someone do this in my class the other day and believe me I was super impressed with his winning intelligence and coolness.
Warning: Some of the behaviors advertised in this article might lead you to fail your classes and be disliked by all your peers. Just remember, even if you get kicked out of school, you’ll have a dope reputation. When it comes time for you to tell your parents that you’ve been kicked out of school, I’d prefer it if you didn’t mention this article by name and you avoided using the phrase “this article caused me to fail out of school”. No one wants to feel angry-parent wrath.
