How many different kinds of deep-dish pizza does one really need? At Patxi’s Pizza, there are nine, not including the build-your-own option, and that’s probably too many. Everyone heard the buzz that expert pizza-maker Francisco “Patxi” Azpiroz was at long last bringing his Chicago-style pizza to downtown Santa Barbara. If you, like me, use your cheat meals sparingly, I suggest you take on Patxi’s with caution.
The deep-dish is prepared exactly the way you want it, with enough cheese to make you hate yourself. However, their homemade tomato sauce is so assertive that the highly anticipated spinach pesto deep-dish had to be drowned in ranch dressing in order to extract any reaction out of me besides, “This is so not worth all the squats I’m going to have to do to make up for this.”
Of all of the dishes coming out of the kitchen, the artichoke dip appetizer is the clear winner. This decadent plate is a precise balance of spice (fresh jalapeños), tang (roasted red peppers), and ooze (oven-baked cheese). Smear it onto a piece of crunchy crostini or fluffy focaccia and it’s guaranteed that bread has never been put to such good use. Let’s just say that if Patxi’s artichoke dip proposed we run off to Vegas together to elope, I wouldn’t say no.
Since most of the dishes on the menu consist of some variation of cheese-bombed carbs or meats, the central debate at Patxi’s is this: thin crust or deep dish? With portion sizes intended for sharing, dining at Patxi’s is a simple two-step process. Step one: make sure you and your dining companions are pizza compatible. Step two: eat together while bonding deeply over the fact that your pizza needs (read: basic needs as a human being) are congruent.
Lifehack: If after step one you find that you and said “friends” aren’t actually pizza compatible, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit because all true friendships are built upon a foundation of reciprocated love for pizza, right?
After double-checking that my friends and I could in fact remain friends, we were confronted by the meal’s single moment of tension—a face off between patrons and waiter. After ordering the 14” deep-dish, the waiter says, with cautionary eyes, “I’ve only seen a large deep-dish finished five times before.” Was this a challenge? Do we back down? In the end, we heeded his warning and rightfully so, because even after downsizing to the 12”, we went home with leftovers.
With neutral paint colors and minimal decoration, the atmosphere, in theory, allows the food to speak for itself. That is, however, until you notice that Bruno Mars’s voice seems to be intruding on your dinner conversation. This isn’t a high school prom, but you wouldn’t necessarily know that if you were guessing from the music alone. Somehow, “Uptown Funk” doesn’t scream, “I’m definitely old enough to drink alcohol without legal implications!” With over twenty beer options and a wine selection ranging from Napa to Chianti, creating a more refined playlist wouldn’t be inappropriate.
With a full belly, I am left now with only one question: How much cheese is too much cheese? To this, I could come to only one conclusion—At Patxi’s, the limit does not exist. To my pizza loving friends, I say, go forth, but be sure to take a lactose pill.
Entrees $12 -36
515 State St. Santa Barbara, CA 93101
