Dear me...3 years ago,
There are times in which life may have appeared challenging and meaningless. It is bound to happen (the expression that life is a roller coaster was created for a reason). However, it is in these times that we allow ourselves to prepare for what comes ahead. What I mean by this is: remember that the past is the past, and it is important to reflect on those memories as we near new beginnings. But it's also important that we do not dwell in these moments, no matter how bad they may hurt.
You have always challenged yourself to be a warm, compassionate individual who is respectable and mature no matter the situation (good, bad, or trying). But the one quality you valued most in this hierarchy is trust. Your ability to trust others and for them to allow your trust in return. Although you broke this oath of your conscious 3 years back, it has not only allowed you to learn from your mistakes, yet allowed you to grow into the young man your family intended you to be.
You're gay! You knew it...you may not have accepted it, but you knew it! You hid - you were a coward! But can I blame you? Of course not! You were raised in a Roman Catholic household in which such values would have seemingly been disgraceful...you would have been condemned to hell! The fear of losing the ones you truly loved and depended on scared you more than the thoughts of rotting in the endless depths of the underworld. But all of your hiding? Your distancing of the ones you truly loved and all those nights that you fought and tore them apart was impractical. I know that you are so very sorry and that you would take it back for anything in the world, but do not allow yourself to dwell in these moments. They will forgive you and you will be happier than you could ever imagine. So please do not give up. Never give up because they need you just as much as you need them.
As much as I wish you didn't hide and lie, I am grateful that you did. As you know I am a fan of the saying "everything happens for a reason." Therefore, you meeting that boy, your first "real relationship," (the one you snuck around with so no one would know your deep dark secret) was good! I know that you hate him after everything he did to you, but you will soon thank him. You will thank him for the times and the smiles you shared, and the heart ache he implemented. You will eventually understand that he is the reason you found who you are, the reason you began to become comfortable in your skin, and he is the reason you were able to find the love of your life. To be frank, he may quite possibly be the reason you are still here today writing this entry. So as much as you do not like the immature, self-centered person he is and/or has become (and never may), you can thank him for the times he was there, and allow that fire to simmer.
Although you can thank him for these things, thank God you got over him! Looking back now, you were one train-wreck, child! I'm so glad you got your shit together because you were turning into a little brat (but it wasn't just because of him). Your so called "best-friend," needs a reality check! But don't worry, she won't be around too much longer. Although I miss the times we shared as well, she was turning you into a typical snobby and narcissistic teenager. But again, thank you for being there and stabbing me in the back at last. You have allowed me to grow and reflect over the person I strive not to be! Sincerely, yours truly, your ex - best friend! :)
So, through all the heart ache, depression and troubling times while trying to find yourself, you learned that your family loves and accepts you, and they always will. You will learn that some people are not meant to stay in your life and if they leave, it is only making room for someone or something even better to enter your life. Therefore, I warn you that you have a bumpy road ahead...but I know that you are a fighter. You are a stubborn and strong-willed individual (just like your grandmother might I add!) and you will make it through. And who knows, maybe there will be some light at the end of that tunnel! Not that I would know or anything... ;) But you've got a bright future ahead of you, and you will be happy that you've encountered these obstacles because it has led you to something incredible.
Be grateful, be proud, and always be true to yourself.
Sincerely,
Your future self
