I know, I know, the words "passive death wish" sound REALLY morbid. I mean, it's a serious thing. It's something that isn't talked about enough, but I've noticed that it's way more common than I originally thought.

When I was admitted into an inpatient program for my eating disorder, I was working out some other underlying issues. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and PTSD. Along with all of these disorders and illnesses, there were plenty of symptoms that I needed to deal with. One of those was something called a "passive death wish".

Let's back up. I was on a flight from Dallas to Pittsburgh when I realized that I was having troublesome thoughts that might not be normal. I hadn't been on very many flights before, so the slightest amount of turbulence was scaring me. It was storming, and we were flying right through it. That's when I thought "If this plane crashed, would that be the worst thing in the world?"

I wasn't suicidal. My life wasn't going badly, actually. It had definitely been worse. I had a steady income, and I had a boyfriend that was my entire world. I just couldn't imagine a future. My thoughts of a natural disaster or an accident ending my life kept nagging me. I finally stepped back and took a good, hard look at the way I was thinking.

Fast forward to therapy later that year. I was sitting across from my psychiatrist, and she asked me the questions that she was required to ask at the end of each session. "Do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself?" No.

Being in an inpatient treatment program away from my loved ones had made it even more difficult to see a future, so I felt that I should mention my thought process. I didn't even know how to bring it up. I distinctly remember the conversation.

Psychiatrist: "Are you planning to end your life?"

Me: "No. Although I wanted to mention something. I'm not suicidal, don't worry. But if I were to die in a freak accident, I don't think it would be the worst thing that could happen. It could be easier. But I'm not suicidal."

She didn't seem surprised. My psychiatrist explained to me that my thoughts were classified as a "passive death wish". I wouldn't choose to end my life, but I was feeling so overwhelmed that I wanted to stop existing. I couldn't picture my life past that point.

Ending your life and not wanting to exist can be similar, but they aren't necessarily the same thing. I had drawn a very clear line for myself when it came to those kinds of feelings. "I won't self-harm, because that's crossing a line. I won't think about suicide, because that's crossing a line. I won't purge, because that's crossing a line." I thought that if I didn't self-harm or didn't have suicidal thoughts, my depression wasn't that serious. I thought that if I didn't purge, I couldn't be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Here's the thing, though: That's not true. Any feeling that you may have is legitimate. Sure, you could react in a way that's frowned upon, but the feeling at the root of the issue can be validated. It's real. Your feelings are serious, and deserve to be understood.

If you or someone you know are struggling with thoughts of a passive death wish, tell someone. It might not be an immediate threat to anyone's personal safety, but no one deserves to suffer to that extent. And most importantly, you aren't in this alone.