It has nearly been 10 years since my body went numb, since I lost my breath, since your heart stopped beating. It is rather ironic when they say someone passed peacefully, that they felt no pain. All I can remember from when you passed is that there was not a moment that I did not feel the pain pulling the strings of my heart, that it would feel like ages for me until I once again found another peaceful moment in my life. I suppose it is ironic because all the pain and suffering that the deceased avoided was just given to the next of kin.
To many, Father's Day means a day to celebrate, to show appreciation for that man who walked you through life, the one who showed you right from wrong, the one who was always there for you. Unfortunately, unlike so many, this is not the image that manifests in my mind, and probably why this day was simply just another Sunday. On this day, it seems as if any piece of grass available is being occupied by a father having a catch, going for a walk, fulfilling their fatherly duties. Social media, filled with post after post thanking their fathers, showing their appreciation for all he has done.
On this day for me, there will be no catch occurring, no walk and talks about life, no father fulfilling his fatherly duties. But on this day, there will be appreciation, although presumably different from many of those around me. As much as I wish he still walked this earth, that he was in my life, that I did not grow up looking for answers, I appreciate all that he did for me without ever knowing it. Though it may not have been by choice, his absence from my life forced me to grow up, to become the man I wanted to be, to strive to be better.
Since his passing, I have lived every day working to not only be better than yesterday, but to have a better life than my father. I strive to be successful, to "make it." To many, this can mean so many things, but for me it is rather simple: live a better life than those before me, live without hate, make sure, by whatever means, to be there for my kids, to make sure that in 30 years they are not writing an article on Father's Day, that they don’t need to know the pain of my peaceful death. To be the man my father never got to be.
On this day, I am forced to ponder the thoughts of my future while constantly reliving memories of the past. Not a day has gone by where the thought of you has not crossed my mind, or the thought of just how different would my life be if you were still around . Would I be as driven to fulfill my goals? Would I still be facing all the hurdles in my life that have at times derailed me from the path I have taken? Would I still constantly have to deal with the awkward responses and constant condolences whenever someone asks about you? Unfortunately for me, these are questions that there are no answers for.
The absence of a father, whatever the reason, is a curse that should not be wished upon any individual. As Father's Day comes and goes, I know that it is now nothing more than a missed opportunity of what could have been that has turned into just another day. Why shouldn’t it be just another day? Every day that you have the ability to talk, to learn, to love your father, should be taken advantage of. Life is short, yet one's absence can feel like an eternity, so appreciate what you have and the card you have been dealt. Though no situation is ever ideal, it is this life you have been given. Everything that has happened positive or negative has brought you to this point in your life, father figure or not, so make the most of your life and be better today than you were yesterday.
